NO OFFENSE

JUDY and LIANNE are talking.

JUDY

So I think I might bring Brad to the wedding.

LIANNE

(disappointed)

Really? Oh, I don't know Judy, Brad is SO terrible at small talk. I mean, he'll KILL the conversation. No offense.

JUDY

I guess you're right. Are you bringing Phillip?

LIANNE

I am.

JUDY

Oh, dear. I mean, he's fine Lianne, but I mean he's just a horrifically cold man. Not in every way but just to other people, do you know what I mean? No offense.

LIANNE

I know. I see that. But back to your situation,  I want to say that it'd better for you to bring Brad than to bring no one. I mean, no offense, but you are NOT the kind of person who does well at a wedding alone. No offense, but you are a miserable and unlikeable bitch when you are alone at a wedding. No offense.

JUDY

I hear you. It's like you at a baby shower - you're fine, but you're also so full of venom that you're repulsive. I mean, you're fine but you're repulsive. No offense. To other people only I mean, and to yourself. No offense.

LIANNE

None taken! It's like you when you're insecure about your exes. I mean, you're fine! You're totally fine and great, but you're a completely train wreck of a person,  just really weird and gross to be around and you look terrible when you're like that, like your face looks like an old lady mask. No offense.

JUDY

None take.

LIANNE

Yeah. When you're insecure about your exes you look like an old lady. A mean one, not a wise one. I mean, you're great but you're, like, horrible.

JUDY

I am, it's true. But you -- oh my God when YOUR exes are around, no offense, because you're like FINE you're totally fine. You're great in every way! Really, just perfect except you're also like Hitler. Like an ugly Hitler who smells and I hate it. No offense.

LIANNE

No, I get it. It's like you when you're around thinner people, you're like --  I mean you're great -- but you're like Saddamn Hussein but bitchier. I mean, you know, I love you but at those times you should be put down.

JUDY

I should be. I should be killed like a rabid dog, or strangled.

LIANNE

I know! Sometimes I think I should have my neck wrung, like literally twisted into a spiral of skin.

JUDY

Oh my God! I've thought that about you! It's like me, I sometimes think I should be slapped into putty. Not hard, but incessantly.

LIANNE

Yes, I sometimes feel that I should be dropped from a helicopter into the mouth of a whale.

JUDY

I know that feeling. At my sister's engagement party I was such a bitch whore I was thinking "Well, I'm behaving so inappropriately it wouldn't be wrong for me to have my  hands surgically switched so I'm permanently disoriented.

LIANNE

As punishement.

JUDY

Yep!

LIANNE

Well, there's certinaly been days where I feel that way.

JUDY

I know it.

LIANNE

Boy.

JUDY

Yeah.

LIANNE

Well.

JUDY

Okay, well, I gotta get home.

LIANNE

See you at the wedding!

JUDY

Not if I see you first!

LIANNE

Hah! You won't if I can help it!

JUDY

Hah. I'm not kidding!

LIANNE

No, me either.