NO OFFENSE
JUDY and LIANNE are talking.
JUDY
So I think I might bring Brad to the wedding.
LIANNE
(disappointed)
Really? Oh, I don't know Judy, Brad is SO terrible at small
talk. I mean, he'll KILL the conversation. No offense.
JUDY
I guess you're right. Are you bringing Phillip?
LIANNE
I am.
JUDY
Oh, dear. I mean, he's fine Lianne, but I mean he's just a
horrifically cold man. Not in every way but just to other people, do you know
what I mean? No offense.
LIANNE
I know. I see that. But back to your situation, I want
to say that it'd better for you to bring Brad than to bring no one. I mean, no
offense, but you are NOT the kind of person who does well at a wedding alone.
No offense, but you are a miserable and unlikeable bitch when you are alone at
a wedding. No offense.
JUDY
I hear you. It's like you at a baby shower - you're fine, but
you're also so full of venom that you're repulsive. I mean, you're fine but
you're repulsive. No offense. To other people only I mean, and to yourself. No
offense.
LIANNE
None taken! It's like you when you're insecure about your
exes. I mean, you're fine! You're totally fine and great, but you're a
completely train wreck of a person, just really weird and gross to be
around and you look terrible when you're like that, like your face looks like
an old lady mask. No offense.
JUDY
None take.
LIANNE
Yeah. When you're insecure about your exes you look like an
old lady. A mean one, not a wise one. I mean, you're great but you're, like,
horrible.
JUDY
I am, it's true. But you -- oh my God when YOUR exes are
around, no offense, because you're like FINE you're totally fine. You're great
in every way! Really, just perfect except you're also like Hitler. Like an ugly
Hitler who smells and I hate it. No offense.
LIANNE
No, I get it. It's like you when you're around thinner
people, you're like -- I mean you're great -- but you're like Saddamn
Hussein but bitchier. I mean, you know, I love you but at those times you
should be put down.
JUDY
I should be. I should be killed like a rabid dog, or
strangled.
LIANNE
I know! Sometimes I think I should have my neck wrung, like literally twisted into a spiral of skin.
JUDY
Oh my God! I've thought that about you! It's like me, I
sometimes think I should be slapped into putty. Not hard, but incessantly.
LIANNE
Yes, I sometimes feel that I should be dropped from a
helicopter into the mouth of a whale.
JUDY
I know that feeling. At my sister's engagement party I was
such a bitch whore I was thinking "Well, I'm behaving so inappropriately it
wouldn't be wrong for me to have my hands surgically switched so I'm
permanently disoriented.
LIANNE
As punishement.
JUDY
Yep!
LIANNE
Well, there's certinaly been days where I feel that way.
JUDY
I know it.
LIANNE
Boy.
JUDY
Yeah.
LIANNE
Well.
JUDY
Okay, well, I gotta get home.
LIANNE
See you at the wedding!
JUDY
Not if I see you first!
LIANNE
Hah! You won't if I can help it!
JUDY
Hah. I'm not kidding!
LIANNE
No, me either.