OWL BULLETIN BOARD
A PTA meeting in a small northern Ohio town. HARRIET, the
chairwoman is speaking.
HARRIET
Ok, nice job everyone -- I think we're all set with how we're
gonna provide extra rides to the band concert next month so the school doesn't
have to rent another bus. I know! I know! The school should be able to, you
know what? It's nice to be able to pitch in and help.
CROWD murmurs agreement.
HARRIET
Ok, so let's move on to the Bulletin Board contest. The kids
all worked on special Thanksgiving bulletin boards and the teachers are here to
talk about what their students did. Bill, why don't you start?
BILL
How's that?
HARRIET
You're the 4th grade teacher and I thought your kids did a
great bullentin board, why don't you talk about it?
BILL lumbers up to his feet.
BILL
Uh, okay. Well, ours had a lot of owls. A lot of them, really nice ones -- they worked real hard on 'em. And you know at the bottom, they had a bunch of leaves -- not a bunch, but individual leaves like they were all unique-- each student did one his or herself, and that took some effort and I think that came out looking really great and I commended 'em for it.
HARRIET
Something wrong, Bill?
BILL
How's that, Harriet?
HARRIET
Is something bothering you? It seems like you're...
pre-occupied.
BILL
Yeah, well, Harriet, it's just that, you know, I'm not so
into owls. Um -- it's a popular theme, and kids love it -- but I've just seen a
lot of owl-themed bulletin boards over my time here, and I just -- you know,
they're not my thing. But that's what the class wnated -- they really wanted
owls, and it's about them -- and they don't know what other fourth grade clsses
have done. Um -- to them it's new, so that's good. You know -- push comes to
shove, I'm just not gonna be as into it. I can't pretend to just suddenly be
really into owls when I'm not. I'm not into them.
HARRIET
Is there something they could have done with their owls to
make them more interesting to you?
BILL
No, no, no. I'm not gonna get into that. That's -- that, uh
-- that drives me crazy. It's one thing for someone to say they enjoy something
or don't enjoy it -- that's fine, that's they're experience and they don't have
to explain it. But when people say what it is they would do differently when
they're regarding something -- I mean, the weird thing is people don't know!
You KNOW when you like something or don't, but don't try to tell me that if I
switched up the eyes on the owls so they all weren't so wide or maybe their
wings should be further away from their body --- that you'd like it better
because the truth is you don't know. Gloria. Gloria, remember when you were
helping me with the board last year?
GLORIA
Yes. Your class did a corn field.
BILL
Right, a corn field! And remember how you didn't like it so
much? It's okay, don't be embarrassed -- you told me, very nicely, in private
that you didn't like the corn fields. And you know what, I wasn't exicted to
hear that you didn't like my classes corn field bulletin but I did find it
interested. But what I did not like and frankly what got me a little angry was
when you started suggesting how to do those corn field differently, because you
know what you're just guessing?
GLORIA
I just thought a little less sky would have broken it up.
BILL
Okay, fine! But you say that you knew for sure that would
help! But you don't know! That's just a GUESS! People sit there and look at
your bulletin board and say "Oh, I know what would make this better" but you
don't know! Not really! You're just guessing until you do it, and then you
experience the bulletin board and see if your idea worked. But you don't know!
HARRIET
Wait, so you do like the owls?
BILL
No! I hate the owls! I've seen so many owl bulletin boards!
Jesus, it's like the first thing these kids think of! You say "Thanksgiving"
and some smart ass kid says "owls" and he thinks he's the first kid who's ever
thought of that. I mean, I'm glad he's having a positive experience, that's
good but for me -- there's no way I'm gonna like an owl bullentin board!
Doesn't matter if it's the greatest owl bulletin board in the world! Well,
Mel's class did a nice one last year with the shiny foil -- I did like that.
MEL smiles.
BILL
But in general, if it's an OWL BULLETIN BOARD, I'm not gonna
like it! That's it! But what I'm saying is -- ON TOP of that, that I don't have
the sense of entitlement to tell someone -- even my fourth graders that I can
say for sure what would make it better! They wouldn't listen to me anyway! And
you know what they shouldn't! They wanted to do the owl bulletin board, they
think it's a great idea...
HARRIET
Who's idea was it?
BILL
Gary Gambino's. Smart ass kid, you should see this guy. He's
never dirty! I don't know how he does it! He's like a dirt repellent, he runs
around in the mud comes back in and still looks
like a statue! Anyway, as soon as I said "We need ideas for the Thanksgiving
Bulletin Board" I mean I could see the idea forming in his brain and he was
RIGHT on it! Hand shoots up and says "Owls." I knew it! And I can't shoot him
down! Because he's 10!
HARRIET
Bill, maybe you need some days off...
BILL
Fucking owl bulletin board! How old are these kids gonna be
before these realize they are not the first ones to have every single idea that
comes into their head. That there are 7 billion people out there, and that
maybe, just maybe, someone else has thought of something they've thought of.
There's been owl bulletin boards as long as there's been Thanksgiving and
corkboard, I assure you. But who's gonna tell 'em that? I can't do it! I'm not
gonna tell 'em! It's not my job to break their hearts every goddamn day of the
year!
HARRIET
Bill, if we haven't said it before. We're all really sorry
about your divorce.
The room murmurs in reassure and BILL cries.