OWL BULLETIN BOARD

A PTA meeting in a small northern Ohio town. HARRIET, the chairwoman is speaking.

HARRIET

Ok, nice job everyone -- I think we're all set with how we're gonna provide extra rides to the band concert next month so the school doesn't have to rent another bus. I know! I know! The school should be able to, you know what? It's nice to be able to pitch in and help.

CROWD murmurs agreement.

HARRIET

Ok, so let's move on to the Bulletin Board contest. The kids all worked on special Thanksgiving bulletin boards and the teachers are here to talk about what their students did. Bill, why don't you start?

BILL

How's that?

HARRIET

You're the 4th grade teacher and I thought your kids did a great bullentin board, why don't you talk about it?

BILL lumbers up to his feet.

BILL

Uh, okay. Well, ours had a lot of owls. A lot of them, really nice ones -- they worked real hard on 'em. And you know at the bottom, they had a bunch of leaves -- not a bunch, but individual leaves like they were all unique-- each student did one his or herself, and that took some effort and I think that came out looking really great and I commended 'em for it.

HARRIET

Something wrong, Bill?

BILL

How's that, Harriet?

HARRIET

Is something bothering you? It seems like you're... pre-occupied.

BILL

Yeah, well, Harriet, it's just that, you know, I'm not so into owls. Um -- it's a popular theme, and kids love it -- but I've just seen a lot of owl-themed bulletin boards over my time here, and I just -- you know, they're not my thing. But that's what the class wnated -- they really wanted owls, and it's about them -- and they don't know what other fourth grade clsses have done. Um -- to them it's new, so that's good. You know -- push comes to shove, I'm just not gonna be as into it. I can't pretend to just suddenly be really into owls when I'm not. I'm not into them.

HARRIET

Is there something they could have done with their owls to make them more interesting to you?

BILL

No, no, no. I'm not gonna get into that. That's -- that, uh -- that drives me crazy. It's one thing for someone to say they enjoy something or don't enjoy it -- that's fine, that's they're experience and they don't have to explain it. But when people say what it is they would do differently when they're regarding something -- I mean, the weird thing is people don't know! You KNOW when you like something or don't, but don't try to tell me that if I switched up the eyes on the owls so they all weren't so wide or maybe their wings should be further away from their body --- that you'd like it better because the truth is you don't know. Gloria. Gloria, remember when you were helping me with the board last year?

GLORIA

Yes. Your class did a corn field.

BILL

Right, a corn field! And remember how you didn't like it so much? It's okay, don't be embarrassed -- you told me, very nicely, in private that you didn't like the corn fields. And you know what, I wasn't exicted to hear that you didn't like my classes corn field bulletin but I did find it interested. But what I did not like and frankly what got me a little angry was when you started suggesting how to do those corn field differently, because you know what you're just guessing?

GLORIA

I just thought a little less sky would have broken it up.

BILL

Okay, fine! But you say that you knew for sure that would help! But you don't know! That's just a GUESS! People sit there and look at your bulletin board and say "Oh, I know what would make this better" but you don't know! Not really! You're just guessing until you do it, and then you experience the bulletin board and see if your idea worked. But you don't know!

HARRIET

Wait, so you do like the owls?

BILL

No! I hate the owls! I've seen so many owl bulletin boards! Jesus, it's like the first thing these kids think of! You say "Thanksgiving" and some smart ass kid says "owls" and he thinks he's the first kid who's ever thought of that. I mean, I'm glad he's having a positive experience, that's good but for me -- there's no way I'm gonna like an owl bullentin board! Doesn't matter if it's the greatest owl bulletin board in the world! Well, Mel's class did a nice one last year with the shiny foil -- I did like that.

MEL smiles.

BILL

But in general, if it's an OWL BULLETIN BOARD, I'm not gonna like it! That's it! But what I'm saying is -- ON TOP of that, that I don't have the sense of entitlement to tell someone -- even my fourth graders that I can say for sure what would make it better! They wouldn't listen to me anyway! And you know what they shouldn't! They wanted to do the owl bulletin board, they think it's a great idea...

HARRIET

Who's idea was it?

BILL

Gary Gambino's. Smart ass kid, you should see this guy. He's never dirty! I don't know how he does it! He's like a dirt repellent, he runs around in the mud comes back in and still looks like a statue! Anyway, as soon as I said "We need ideas for the Thanksgiving Bulletin Board" I mean I could see the idea forming in his brain and he was RIGHT on it! Hand shoots up and says "Owls." I knew it! And I can't shoot him down! Because he's 10!

HARRIET

Bill, maybe you need some days off...

BILL

Fucking owl bulletin board! How old are these kids gonna be before these realize they are not the first ones to have every single idea that comes into their head. That there are 7 billion people out there, and that maybe, just maybe, someone else has thought of something they've thought of. There's been owl bulletin boards as long as there's been Thanksgiving and corkboard, I assure you. But who's gonna tell 'em that? I can't do it! I'm not gonna tell 'em! It's not my job to break their hearts every goddamn day of the year!

HARRIET

Bill, if we haven't said it before. We're all really sorry about your divorce.

The room murmurs in reassure and BILL cries.