TICKETMASTER CAN EAT ITS BALLS

Will Hines - 917-721-1138 whines@gmail.com

A MAN walks up to a WOMAN at a customer service desks.

WOMAN

Customer Service, how can I help you?

MAN

(defiantly happy)

Yes, what would be the best way for me to tell your company to shove itself up its own asshole? Would this be the place?

WOMAN

Er, I suppose this would be. What's upsetting you?

MAN

I bought two concert tickets from your website that were listed as $21 each, but then when I purchased them I noticed that your company added a $9 service charge to each ticket.

WOMAN

I see.

MAN

And that's when I thought to myself "You know what? I need to find out the best way I can tell those guy to shove themselves up their own assholes." And I walked right over.

WOMAN

Well, I think I can explain -- that convenience fee goes to the venue holding the concert. The ticket price goes almost totally to the performer.

MAN

Very well. And if I wanted to refer to that information as I was telling your entire organization to simultaneously fuck themselves, what medium should I use? Paper? Phone call? What would be easiest for your organization?

WOMAN

I understand you're upset sir. No one likes paying those convenience fess. But very little of that money comes to us. Our fees comes from the $5 "order fee" -- not much at all when..

MAN

Ah, yes, thank you for reminding me! The "order fee" -- I'd also like a form to tell you all to suck your own genitals because of that $5 order fee.

WOMAN

We don't have a form for that...

MAN

I'm saying "genitals" because I want my message to apply to both men and women who work for your company. I would like all of you to suck on your own genitals as a way of demeaning yourself.

WOMAN

Yes, I understand. Are you looking for a refund, sir?

MAN

Not at all! What's done is done. I've paid my charge like a responsible citizen. I just want to know the proper procedure to formally request that you all eat your balls. The men can eat their own, the women can eat whichever human balls they manage to scrounge up.

WOMAN

We don't have a formal procedure...

MAN

Do you have a complaint form?

WOMAN

We have this generic feedback form. And since you're so upset, I can offer you a discount coupon for your next purchase.

MAN

(laughs)

Next purchase! No, no, no. I'm not going to even FANTASIZE of purchasing tickets through your agency unless I get a handwritten letter from your company's president, describing how his or a co-worker's balls tasted. If his description is eloquent enough, then I MIGHT once again buy tickets.

WOMAN

You're really that upset.

MAN

I am.

WOMAN

Fine (takes out a different form). Here is our "eat your balls" form.

MAN

Finally!

MAN happily starts filling out form.