TICKETMASTER CAN EAT ITS BALLS
Will Hines - 917-721-1138 whines@gmail.com
A MAN walks up to a WOMAN at a customer service desks.
WOMAN
Customer Service, how can I help you?
MAN
(defiantly happy)
Yes, what would be the best way for me to tell your company
to shove itself up its own asshole? Would this be the place?
WOMAN
Er, I suppose this would be. What's upsetting you?
MAN
I bought two concert tickets from your website that were
listed as $21 each, but then when I purchased them I noticed that your company
added a $9 service charge to each ticket.
WOMAN
I see.
MAN
And that's when I thought to myself "You know what? I need to
find out the best way I can tell those guy to shove themselves up their own
assholes." And I walked right over.
WOMAN
Well, I think I can explain -- that convenience fee goes to
the venue holding the concert. The ticket price goes almost totally to the
performer.
MAN
Very well. And if I wanted to refer to that information as I
was telling your entire organization to simultaneously fuck themselves, what
medium should I use? Paper? Phone call? What would be easiest for your
organization?
WOMAN
I understand you're upset sir. No one likes paying those
convenience fess. But very little of that money comes to us. Our fees comes
from the $5 "order fee" -- not much at all when..
MAN
Ah, yes, thank you for reminding me! The "order fee" -- I'd
also like a form to tell you all to suck your own genitals because of that $5
order fee.
WOMAN
We don't have a form for that...
MAN
I'm saying "genitals" because I want my message to apply to
both men and women who work for your company. I would like all of you to suck
on your
own genitals as a way of demeaning yourself.
WOMAN
Yes, I understand. Are you looking for a refund, sir?
MAN
Not at all! What's done is done. I've paid my charge like a
responsible citizen. I just want to know the proper procedure to formally
request that you all eat your balls. The men can eat their own, the women can
eat
whichever human balls they manage to scrounge up.
WOMAN
We don't have a formal procedure...
MAN
Do you have a complaint form?
WOMAN
We have this generic feedback form. And since you're so
upset, I can offer you a discount coupon for your
next purchase.
MAN
(laughs)
Next purchase! No, no, no. I'm not going to even FANTASIZE of
purchasing tickets through your agency unless I get a handwritten letter from
your company's president, describing how his or a co-worker's balls tasted. If
his description is eloquent enough, then I MIGHT once again buy tickets.
WOMAN
You're really that upset.
MAN
I am.
WOMAN
Fine (takes out a different form). Here is our "eat your
balls" form.
MAN
Finally!
MAN happily starts filling out form.