CONFIDENTIALITY AGREEMENT

TED and LOUISE are laughing, mid-interview. There are stuffed animals on his desk.

TED

Well to be candid Louise, I can really see you fitting in here at ToyCo.

LOUISE

Oh good!

TED

Now to continue the interview, we need you to sign this confidentiality agreement so we can tell you more about our products.

LOUISE

So I can't share this information, right?

TED

Right, because this is proprietary stuff with ToyCo, blah blah, you know if competitors of ToyCo found out, etc.

LOUISE

Of course! No problem (signs).

TED

Good. Okay, first thing: (suddenly urgent) We invented heart disease.

LOUISE

I beg your pardon?

TED

Heart disease. My company -- ToyCo -- invented heart disease. It's not a natural phenomenon -- it's caused by a virus invented in our Baltimore laboratories back in 1887.

LOUISE

That's impossible. I mean people were dying of heart disease for.. forever!

TED

They were dying, but it wasn't heart disease. We invented that puppy in 1887. That's right.

LOUISE

Why?

TED

To save the Earth, Louise -- by thinning out the human population. Our founders saw that the earth's resources were being devoured at an intense rate and found a solution: fewer people.

LOUISE

You're a toy company.

TED

On the outside. On the inside we are a machine devoted to saving the planet earth. Our actual corporate name is Saviors of Gaia.

LOUISE

But you're beloved (grabs stuffed animal). ToyCo created Bunny Man!

TED

Bunny Man is highly toxic. Not to the touch! But when activated by baby saliva, it emits an odorless gas that weakens the muscle tissue of the heart. Oh, deadly flower, how pretty your blossom!

LOUISE

I'm going to report you.

TED

You signed an agreement. You're part of this now.

LOUISE

Well, you signed it also.

TED

So what?

LOUISE

I caused 9/11.

TED

What?

LOUISE

The single biggest terrorist act on U.S. soil? I did that. To bring about a global war, and start the inevitable final conflict demanded by his lord Zoroaster.

TED

You also worship Zoroaster?

LOUISE

Yes.

TED

I knew I could see you at this company.