PASSWORD

HINES - v2

MARJORIE, a 74-year-old old woman, lies in a hospital bed. BRAD, her grandson, sits dutifully at her side.

BRAD

Grandma, the doctor's say you're gonna be fine!

MARJORIE

That's great news, Brad! (they hug)

BRAD

It is. I meant to ask you, where do you keep your insurance information -- the doctors need me to fill out the paperwork and stuff.

MARJORIE

Most things are in a wicker basket in the back of the hall closet. Everything's there from the lawyer.

BRAD

I looked there, actually. Could it be on your computer?

MARJORIE

Could be.

BRAD

Okay, is there a password?

MARJORIE

(shaken)

Do you... really need to know that?

BRAD

Yeah, grandma. I need to take care of your bills.

MARJORIE

(considers)

Okay. It's... "bigclit."

BRAD

What?

MARJORIE

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, son.

BRAD

That's disgusting! "Big Clit?"

MARJORIE

Well, I never thought I'd have to tell anyone! I've used it for years! It's a nickname your grandfather had for me.

BRAD

But grandpa was a deacon!

MARJORIE

Listen, I should probably tell you my password for my ATM card, also.

BRAD

Oh, god. What is it?

MARJORIE

It's also "bigclit."

BRAD

What?

MARJORIE

I'm sorry! But it brings a smile to my face! Reminds me of your father, and our days at Ann Arbor...

BRAD

Mom, this is disgusting!

MARJORIE

Well, I didn't want to tell you! You asked!

BRAD

Okay! I'm sorry! I'm just surprised!

MARJORIE

Also, there's a combination to get to the safety deposit box at the bank...

BRAD

Is it "big clit"?

MARJORIE

No.

BRAD

What is it?

MARJORIE

I can't remember. But to find out, I have a system set up with the manager He'll ask "Do you have a big clit?" You say "Yes.".

BRAD

Oh, God, Mom.

MARJORIE

Also, the names of my cats aren't Martin and Lewis. They're "Big" and "Clit."

BRAD

That explains why they never came when I called!

MARJORIE

And 2 days after I die, a committee will arrive from the National Institute of Science, carrying an organ carrier. They're coming for my clit. I've donated it to their research.

BRAD

Fine.

MARJORIE

Also, the locket I gave you holding a piece of your grandmother's hair. That wasn't my hair. That was my clit.

BRAD

Great.

MARJORIE

I'm sorry about all this, son.

BRAD

Grandma, is your... clit... really that big?

MARJORIE

Yes.

Blackout