YOUR MOM

HINES (v3)

MIGGS and CASEY on a bench. CASEY is holding his head in his hands.

MIGGS

Ha! Yeah, I get ya! And you know what? Last night, *I* was totally doing YOUR mom, too!

CASEY

Would you stop that? I'm not joking; I'm trying to confess the worst thing I've done in my whole life: Last night, FOR REAL, I had sex with your mother.

MIGGS

Ha! You got me again!

CASEY

I'm not trying to "get" you, okay? I'm trying to clear my guilty conscience! Look, you asked me how I hurt my back.

MIGGS

I know! I walked right into it!

CASEY

You didn't "walk into" anything because I'm not trying to set you up for a joke. I went to your house very depressed, and your mom had been drinking, and before I knew it, I had... had sex with your mom. So vigorously that I pulled the lower dorsi muscle in my back.

MIGGS

Oh yeah? Well yo momma's so fat when she sat on a scale it says "to be continued." Get it?

CASEY

Get this: Your mother has chronic emotional needs she's expressing through sexual promiscuity.

MIGGS

Zing!

CASEY

There was no zing!

MIGGS

Yo momma's so fat, she sells shade in the summer!

CASEY

And your mother is a deeply sad woman and I have unresolved anger towards all women!

MIGGS

Nice! YO momma's so poor, she uses Cheerios as earrings!

CASEY

MIGGS! Stop that! Just listen to me: I'm not making jokes. I really slept with your mother! It HAPPENED!

MIGGS

(getting it) You.. really did? Casey, that's terrible! That's the worst thing I ever heard! I thought you were just making some good Yo Momma jokes!

Four CROWD MEMBERS enter. One of them speaks.

CROWD MEMBER 1

Hey man! We just overheard that you guys were having a Yo Momma battle! We love those! Let's get it going!

The CROWD splits - 2 behind CASEY and 2 behind MIGGS. They are into it and ready to cheer their man on. "get him!' "talk about how fat his momma is!" CASEY and MIGGS are oblivious - too wrapped up in their drama.

MIGGS

Casey, you are the worst friend I have ever had! If you ever come near my mother I'm gonna kick the shit out of you! MIGGS' crowd cheers. But someone says..

CROWD MEMBER 2

That's not a good Yo Momma joke.

CASEY

Miggs, I'm so sorry! I know I deserve it! Please forgive me!

CASEY's side cheers, but then someone says:

CROWD MEMBER 3

No, no - that's too sad. Talk about how hairy her stomach is!

MIGGS

You are the saddest person I have ever known, you asshole!

CROWD MEMBER 1

Keep it fun, man!

CROWD MEMBER 4

Yeah, like this (to MIGGS) Yo mama's so ugly people go as her for Halloween!

MIGGS jumps CROWD MEMBER 4. Everyone brawls. They freze frame.

VOICEOVER

Everyone shown here was soon dead. Not because of anything that was going on here, but because minutes before, a rogue state in Southeast Asia had launched a nuclear missile targeted for this exact spot. It's sad that Casey slept with Miggs' mom, but it's even more sad that so many nations rely on nuclear warheads to make their citizens feels safe. Ban the bomb. This message brought to you by the year 1976.