SMART BURRO

INT. BOARD ROOM

CLOSE-UP of CABOOSE, a HALF-MAN / HALF-BURRO in a shirt and tie.

VOICEOVER

In 2010, the military tried to create super-soldiers by genetically evolving a pack of Southwestern Desert Burros. When human rights groups protested, the government was forced to let the burros integrate into society. Most of the burros were attracted to advertising.

WIDE SHOT of conference table.

We see, in addition to CABOOSE, two executives JERRY and MORGAN sitting around the conference table.

JERRY

Okay, guys, we need a red-hot campaign for Samsung flat-screen televisions. Caboose, your thoughts.

CABOOSE

Way ahead of you, Jerry. It seems to me a lot of products have slogans as part of their campaign. I think we should use a "slogan" for Samsung flat-screen televisions.

JERRY

THAT'S your idea? That we should have a slogan?

CABOOSE

If you look at the numbers, you'll find most successful products do have one.

CABOOSE holds up a chart -- it is a circle completely filled in red.

MORGAN

That's not much of a chart, Caboose. Did you have a particular slogan in mind?

CABOOSE

I'm still in first-draft phase on that, but I thought we could use the slogan "This is the slogan for our product."

JERRY

That's not really gonna "wow" the boys at Samsung, Caboose.

MORGAN leans in to have a private moment with JERRY.

MORGAN

Jerry, take it easy on Caboose, would ya? He's trying to fit in here.

JERRY

Morgan, I'm starting to think that maybe Caboose isn't really that smart.

MORGAN

Jerry -- he's a burro.

JERRY

Okay, for a burro, he's exceptional! But we need a top-tier copywriter!

CABOOSE

Guys, my extra-long ears are burning here! Let me in on this.

JERRY

Caboose, do you have any other thoughts for this campaign?

CABOOSE

Sure, I'm just warming up. These are flat-screen TELEVISIONS, right? I say the market we should be targeting is TELEVISION viewers.

JERRY

So, what, you're saying we advertise on television commercials?

CABOOSE

Didn't think of that. I was gonna suggest we construct tiny billboards on top of all existing televisions.

MORGAN

Great idea, Caboose.

JERRY

(in private to MORGAN)

GREAT idea? He wasn't even able to name "commercials" as a way to reach television viewers!

MORGAN

Jerry, I think if you compare Caboose to most other burros...

JERRY

Sure! Sure! In a room of burros, I'm putting my money on Caboose!  But I don't need the best burro, I need the best ad man!

MORGAN

(to Caboose)

Look, Caboose. You ideas are... fine.. but we need you to step it up.

CABOOSE

I get ya. I'm in the big leagues now. I love it. Okay, here's my big enchilada: we make our product more appealing by having some sort of CELEBRITY endorse it. That's a sure-fire way to get a product off the ground.

JERRY

Okay, great. What celebrity did you have in mind?

CABOOSE

I'm gonna level with ya: I can't reliably discern one human from another. So you got me on that. I will say that I think we should get a celebrity of the "famous" variety. If you look at the numbers...

JERRY

That's the same chart.

MORGAN

Jerry, you have to admit that Caboose has a strong grasp of the gist of what's going on.

JERRY

That's not gonna do, Morgan. Look, Caboose, I think you are a wonder of science and a top-shelf fella, but I'm gonna have to let you...

CABOOSE

Don't say it, Ronnie! Look, I get it. I'm not the brightest apple in the deck here. But I have loved this job. So if you have to fire me, do one favor for me first.

JERRY

What is it?

CABOOSE

(sadly)

Ride me.

JERRY obliges and rides CABOOSE sadly around the office while "Papa Was A Rodeo" by the Magnetic Fields plays.