ONE-UP TRAGEDY
HINES - v1
A bar. HANK is the bartender, BRAD and MAGS are sitting. They are finishing a joke.
HANK
So then SHE says: "And I thought I brought apples!" HANK and
MAGS explode with laughter.
BRAD smiles warmly and nods but is less enthusiastic.
MAGS
"aApples." I love it! Good one, Hank!
HANK
Thanks, Mags.
MAGS
Hey, Brad - what's up? You look a little down today.
BRAD
I'm fine.
HANK
Come on - you can tell us. What's eatin' ya?
BRAD
It's not THAT big a deal...
MAGS
C'mon!
HANK
Just tell us...
BRAD
Ok! I'll tell you just so you don't think it's that big a deal... today's is the anniversary of my mom's death.
HANK
Whoa! I'm sorry, dude. I didn't even know your mom was dead.
MAGS
Yeah, I feel like an asshole now.
BRAD
Not at all! You guys didn't know! I was 16 - it was a long time ago. So I'm fine - but on the actual day, I tend to think about her.
HANK
Of course! If you don't mind me asking, how'd she die?
BRAD
Cancer.
MAGS
Oh. What kind?
BRAD
Breast cancer.
HANK
Uh-huh. Man. Sucks.
BRAD
Yeah.
HANK
You know, MY father actually died of brain cancer.
BRAD
Oh, man!
MAGS
Jesus!
HANK
Yeah, you know, it was... terrible.
BRAD
Jesus. I had no idea.
MAGS
Oh man, I'm sorry Hank!
HANK
No need to be - I never told you guys. But it was really hard. Thing about brain cancer which is different than other cancers was he went into a like a period of being really delusional before he died. It was really, really hard to see him like that.
BRAD
Sounds terrible.
HANK
It was. Doesn't happen with breast cancer, right?
BRAD
No, she just died... normally.
HANK
Not that I'm saying I had it any worse...
BRAD
Of course! I know you're not saying that.
HANK
But it was, you know, REALLY hard to see the particular effects of brain cancer...
MAGS
You know, I feel bad for both you guys - and I don't mean to preach or anything - but you should be grateful for what you had.
BRAD
What do you mean?
MAGS
I mean - and I've never told you this -- I never even KNEW my mother. She left my Dad when I was 1 and we never heard from her again. I have no idea if she's alive or died from brain cancer or any other kind of cancer or anything!
HANK
Jesus, Mags, we're sorry.
BRAD
Yeah, we didn't mean to rub your face in it.
MAGS
I know you didn't, but it's important to recognize the good side of what you had. I remember when I graduated from high school I kept secretly hoping she'd surprise me and show up - but she never did.
HANK
Man.
BRAD
Although maybe it's good that your mom LEFT if she didn't want the responsibility of being a parent.
MAGS
What does THAT mean?
BRAD
My mother - before she got sick, pretty much every Christmas, would come downstairs with a suitcase packed, threatening to leave. She would actually cite examples of things my brothers and I did as reasons she wanted to go right to our faces. And we'd cry and she would just keep yelling at us. This is when I was like 8 or whatever.
HANK
Good Jesus Christ Almighty.
BRAD
I've never told anybody this before: but when she died, a big part of me was actually GLAD. Like I thought maybe she deserved it for not loving us enough.
MAGS
Holy shit, Brad!
BRAD
I know, I can't even believe I'm saying it. But that's the way I felt. Growing up like that was horrible. I'm still getting over it.
HANK
I wasn't going to bring this up: but when I was 7 years old both my parents and my grandfather on my dad's side would come into my bedroom and all molest me at the same time.
MAGS
What the fuck?
HANK
I have never told anybody this, even my therapist of 5 years who I am cheating on my wife with: but I was three-way molested by my parents and grandparent for years until I went through puberty and was no longer attractive to them.
BRAD
Dude, I don't even know what to say.
HANK
You can't say anything. The kind of emotional damage you sustain from that becomes part of you forever.
MAGS
I once killed my own dog.
HANK AND BRAD
What?!
MAGS
I wasn't a kid either. I was 16 years old. I did it to feel the power of taking another living thing's life. It was a Boston Terrier - had never done a thing wrong its whole life but one day I fucking CHOKED it with my HANDS just to feel like God, and it left me so damaged and broken I don't think I will ever trust myself to allow myself to be loved by myself or anyone, and I can't get it up, ever, and I need 4 shots of vodka just to even think about going to sleep at night. I am so sure that I am going to hell that sometimes I'll get a hooker and hit her in the face, even though I know it's wrong - but I'm just so mad at myself and the world that I figure I can't fuck up any more than I have and I just say FUCK IT. FUCK THIS FUCKING WORLD THAT LETS PEOPLE LIKE ME BE BORN AND CONITUE LIVING.
BRAD
Jesus.
MAGS
Oh God, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry God!
HANK
I am too! I'm sorry, Dad! I'm sorry for being sexually attractive to you!
BRAD
I'm sorry I brought up my dead mom!
MAGS
This is why men don't talk!