ONE-UP TRAGEDY

HINES - v1

A bar. HANK is the bartender, BRAD and MAGS are sitting. They are finishing a joke.

HANK

So then SHE says: "And I thought I brought apples!" HANK and MAGS explode with laughter.

BRAD smiles warmly and nods but is less enthusiastic.

MAGS

"aApples." I love it! Good one, Hank!

HANK

Thanks, Mags.

MAGS

Hey, Brad - what's up? You look a little down today.

BRAD

I'm fine.

HANK

Come on - you can tell us. What's eatin' ya?

BRAD

It's not THAT big a deal...

MAGS

C'mon!

HANK

Just tell us...

BRAD

Ok! I'll tell you just so you don't think it's that big a deal... today's is the anniversary of my mom's death.

HANK

Whoa! I'm sorry, dude. I didn't even know your mom was dead.

MAGS

Yeah, I feel like an asshole now.

BRAD

Not at all! You guys didn't know! I was 16 - it was a long time ago. So I'm fine - but on the actual day, I tend to think about her.

HANK

Of course! If you don't mind me asking, how'd she die?

BRAD

Cancer.

MAGS

Oh. What kind?

BRAD

Breast cancer.

HANK

Uh-huh. Man. Sucks.

BRAD

Yeah.

HANK

You know, MY father actually died of brain cancer.

BRAD

Oh, man!

MAGS

Jesus!

HANK

Yeah, you know, it was... terrible.

BRAD

Jesus. I had no idea.

MAGS

Oh man, I'm sorry Hank!

HANK

No need to be - I never told you guys. But it was really hard. Thing about brain cancer which is different than other cancers was he went into a like a period of being really delusional before he died. It was really, really hard to see him like that.

BRAD

Sounds terrible.

HANK

It was. Doesn't happen with breast cancer, right?

BRAD

No, she just died... normally.

HANK

Not that I'm saying I had it any worse...

BRAD

Of course! I know you're not saying that.

HANK

But it was, you know, REALLY hard to see the particular effects of brain cancer...

MAGS

You know, I feel bad for both you guys - and I don't mean to preach or anything - but you should be grateful for what you had.

BRAD

What do you mean?

MAGS

I mean - and I've never told you this -- I never even KNEW my mother. She left my Dad when I was 1 and we never heard from her again. I have no idea if she's alive or died from brain cancer or any other kind of cancer or anything!

HANK

Jesus, Mags, we're sorry.

BRAD

Yeah, we didn't mean to rub your face in it.

MAGS

I know you didn't, but it's important to recognize the good side of what you had. I remember when I graduated from high school I kept secretly hoping she'd surprise me and show up - but she never did.

HANK

Man.

BRAD

Although maybe it's good that your mom LEFT if she didn't want the responsibility of being a parent.

MAGS

What does THAT mean?

BRAD

My mother - before she got sick, pretty much every Christmas, would come downstairs with a suitcase packed, threatening to leave. She would actually cite examples of things my brothers and I did as reasons she wanted to go right to our faces. And we'd cry and she would just keep yelling at us. This is when I was like 8 or whatever.

HANK

Good Jesus Christ Almighty.

BRAD

I've never told anybody this before: but when she died, a big part of me was actually GLAD. Like I thought maybe she deserved it for not loving us enough.

MAGS

Holy shit, Brad!

BRAD

I know, I can't even believe I'm saying it. But that's the way I felt. Growing up like that was horrible. I'm still getting over it.

HANK

I wasn't going to bring this up: but when I was 7 years old both my parents and my grandfather on my dad's side would come into my bedroom and all molest me at the same time.

MAGS

What the fuck?

HANK

I have never told anybody this, even my therapist of 5 years who I am cheating on my wife with: but I was three-way molested by my parents and grandparent for years until I went through puberty and was no longer attractive to them.

BRAD

Dude, I don't even know what to say.

HANK

You can't say anything. The kind of emotional damage you sustain from that becomes part of you forever.

MAGS

I once killed my own dog.

HANK AND BRAD

What?!

MAGS

I wasn't a kid either. I was 16 years old. I did it to feel the power of taking another living thing's life. It was a Boston Terrier - had never done a thing wrong its whole life but one day I fucking CHOKED it with my HANDS just to feel like God, and it left me so damaged and broken I don't think I will ever trust myself to allow myself to be loved by myself or anyone, and I can't get it up, ever, and I need 4 shots of vodka just to even think about going to sleep at night. I am so sure that I am going to hell that sometimes I'll get a hooker and hit her in the face, even though I know it's wrong - but I'm just so mad at myself and the world that I figure I can't fuck up any more than I have and I just say FUCK IT. FUCK THIS FUCKING WORLD THAT LETS PEOPLE LIKE ME BE BORN AND CONITUE LIVING.

BRAD

Jesus.

MAGS

Oh God, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry God!

HANK

I am too! I'm sorry, Dad! I'm sorry for being sexually attractive to you!

BRAD

I'm sorry I brought up my dead mom!

MAGS

This is why men don't talk!