NICEY GOES POSTAL
HINES/OZOLS
MARY is sitting at her desk. AMBER is standing there.
MARY
Anyway, Amber, I am just so sorry they fired you. I wish I could bring you back.
AMBER
Oh thank you, Mary! That's nice of you to say.
MARY
Of course. We all miss you here.
AMBER
That is so nice! But listen to me, (whispers) I wouldn't stay here today if I were you.
MARY
Why not?
AMBER
(whispers) Because I am going to shoot every body in this place. (she pulls her gun out) For real.
MARY
Jesus Christ.
AMBER
Oh, I know I sound like a big whiney. I just, I don't know, I really feel pushed to the BRINK, you know? I am insane in the membrane!
MARY
You... you really are, sweetheart! Where did you get that gun?
AMBER
I pinched it from Harry at the gun club. And it's not a gun. It's a revolver. Look at the muzzle: it'll put a hole in you that a cute 'ol bear could walk through.
MARY
Look, hun, it's not worth doing this. It's just a stupid bank teller job.
AMBER
I know, I'm just so bad at letting things go! Deepak Chopra would not be proud! Hey do you know what happened to my my Erma Bombeck book and Winnie-the-Pooh Pez dispenser. I don't want to get anyone's brains on them.
MARY
Yeah! Yeah, I saved them for you.
AMBER
Oh, you're a dear. Now seriously, you better skeddadle, because I once I get going, I'm likely to paint my name on the walls in your blood. Seriously, I'm gonna use someone's severed head as a Christmas ornament.
MARY
Oh Jesus, Amber, please don't.
AMBER
I shouldn't, I know! I'm making a big 'ol fuss! It's just been one of those YEARS! Donald is talking about leaving me. And the City Council rejected my proposal for a Flag Day parade.
MARY
Well, we all know you've had a hard time.
AMBER
You're so nice. Seriously, get packin' because once I finish
here, they'll be a pile of bodies higher than a horse. I'm gonna fucking kill
everybody.
MR. PATTICINI enters.
MR. PATTICINI
Amber! Didn't know you were visiting. Listen, sweetie, while you're here think you could fax this over to Roger at the club. You know, work your magic on that clunky machine.
AMBER
Ok, Mr. Patticini. But when I'm done, I'm gonna gut you like a trout. I'm gonna cut your small, mean face off your skull and wear it like a mask.
MR. PATTICINI
Sounds good.
MR. PATTICINI leaves.
MARY
Amber, it's not too late. Let's get you to a hospital, sweety. AMBER is hitting fax machine with a gun.
AMBER
Oh, honey, I don't want to be a Pesky Pete. It's just that I don't have a lot of options left. I don't know computers; I'm not catching another man anytime soon -I feel like a rat trapped in a cage and I want to BREAK OPEN...and listen to me ramble on like a Chatty Cathy.
MARY
Let's get down to Claire in HR.
AMBER
Oh I can't go down there. I never liked her.
MARY
But she'll know someone who can help you.
AMBER
Yeah, but before I came by here I stopped by her house and I ate her dog.