NICEY GOES POSTAL

HINES/OZOLS

MARY is sitting at her desk. AMBER is standing there.

MARY

Anyway, Amber, I am just so sorry they fired you. I wish I could bring you back.

AMBER

Oh thank you, Mary! That's nice of you to say.

MARY

Of course. We all miss you here.

AMBER

That is so nice! But listen to me, (whispers) I wouldn't stay here today if I were you.

MARY

Why not?

AMBER

(whispers) Because I am going to shoot every body in this place. (she pulls her gun out) For real.

MARY

Jesus Christ.

AMBER

Oh, I know I sound like a big whiney. I just, I don't know, I really feel pushed to the BRINK, you know? I am insane in the membrane!

MARY

You... you really are, sweetheart! Where did you get that gun?

AMBER

I pinched it from Harry at the gun club. And it's not a gun. It's a revolver. Look at the muzzle: it'll put a hole in you that a cute 'ol bear could walk through.

MARY

Look, hun, it's not worth doing this. It's just a stupid bank teller job.

AMBER

I know, I'm just so bad at letting things go! Deepak Chopra would not be proud! Hey do you know what happened to my my Erma Bombeck book and Winnie-the-Pooh Pez dispenser. I don't want to get anyone's brains on them.

MARY

Yeah! Yeah, I saved them for you.

AMBER

Oh, you're a dear. Now seriously, you better skeddadle, because I once I get going, I'm likely to paint my name on the walls in your blood. Seriously, I'm gonna use someone's severed head as a Christmas ornament.

MARY

Oh Jesus, Amber, please don't.

AMBER

I shouldn't, I know! I'm making a big 'ol fuss! It's just been one of those YEARS! Donald is talking about leaving me. And the City Council rejected my proposal for a Flag Day parade.

MARY

Well, we all know you've had a hard time.

AMBER

You're so nice. Seriously, get packin' because once I finish here, they'll be a pile of bodies higher than a horse. I'm gonna fucking kill everybody.

MR. PATTICINI enters.

MR. PATTICINI

Amber! Didn't know you were visiting. Listen, sweetie, while you're here think you could fax this over to Roger at the club. You know, work your magic on that clunky machine.

AMBER

Ok, Mr. Patticini. But when I'm done, I'm gonna gut you like a trout. I'm gonna cut your small, mean face off your skull and wear it like a mask.

MR. PATTICINI

Sounds good.

MR. PATTICINI leaves.

MARY

Amber, it's not too late. Let's get you to a hospital, sweety. AMBER is hitting fax machine with a gun.

AMBER

Oh, honey, I don't want to be a Pesky Pete. It's just that I don't have a lot of options left. I don't know computers; I'm not catching another man anytime soon -I feel like a rat trapped in a cage and I want to BREAK OPEN...and listen to me ramble on like a Chatty Cathy.

MARY

Let's get down to Claire in HR.

AMBER

Oh I can't go down there. I never liked her.

MARY

But she'll know someone who can help you.

AMBER

Yeah, but before I came by here I stopped by her house and I ate her dog.