IF SAFE LIVES MADE GOOD STORIES
TITLE
IF SAFE LIVES MADE GOOD STORIES
INT. BOOTH at bar. WILL is sitting in a booth at a bar with 4
friends excitedly listening. They are reacting as if he is telling the most
amazing story.
WILL
So this girl comes up to me -- I had never seen her before,
but she was pretty cute. And she basically in no uncertain terms propositioned
me!
Cheers from friends.
FRIEND 1
So did you go home with her?
WILL
(triumphantly)
Nope! I pretended to not hear her! I was weirded out, man!
Same cheer, as if he had said yep. High fives.
CUT TO: In a car. WILL is in backseat telling story.
WILL
So then I notice that most of the party was crowding into the
back bedroom -- not all at once, but in like groups -- and it looked like, I
mean it seemed like they were doing cocaine.
FRIEND 2
Were they?
WILL
Don't know! I never checked!
FRIEND 3
Oh man, you went home, right?
WILL
Straight home, man! Not cause I was scared either, just sleepy!
CUT TO: WILL in line at the movies, talking to PERSON in
front of him.
WILL
Last time I was line for the movies, everything went FINE.
WILL and PERSON nod smugly together.
CUT TO: WILL getting a ticket from a COP.
WILL
(in voice over)
So while the cop was giving me a ticket, something in my gut
was saying "Cooperate" so I DID.
CUT TO:
WILL at a podium, at some function where you would be telling
an interesting story.
WILL
And I must have gone to that deli a thousand times and I
always get the same thing, but last Tuesday I decided (thinks) oh, wait --
actually I got the same thing again. (acknolwedges applause) Yep. Whole wheat
bagel with cream cheese. Makes me feel safe.
Applause. Someone yells "I love deli stories!"
WILL pulls a tape recorder out from under the podium amd
removes the tape. A SCIENTISTS walks up and takes the tape, turns and walks off
frame with it.
DISSOLVE to scientist putting tape in a machine.
DISSOLVE to a NASA headquarters countdown.
DISSOLVE to satellite going into space.
DISSOLVE to satellite shooting through space past camera. We
hear "whole wheat bagel with cream cheese" as it goes by.
TITLE
And that is why aliens think humans are boring and we have
never been invaded.
STILL OF WILL HINES with TITLE "HERO OF PLANET EARTH"