IF SAFE LIVES MADE GOOD STORIES

TITLE

IF SAFE LIVES MADE GOOD STORIES

INT. BOOTH at bar. WILL is sitting in a booth at a bar with 4 friends excitedly listening. They are reacting as if he is telling the most amazing story.

WILL

So this girl comes up to me -- I had never seen her before, but she was pretty cute. And she basically in no uncertain terms propositioned me!

Cheers from friends.

FRIEND 1

So did you go home with her?

WILL

(triumphantly)

Nope! I pretended to not hear her! I was weirded out, man!

Same cheer, as if he had said yep. High fives.

CUT TO: In a car. WILL is in backseat telling story.

WILL

So then I notice that most of the party was crowding into the back bedroom -- not all at once, but in like groups -- and it looked like, I mean it seemed like they were doing cocaine.

FRIEND 2

Were they?

WILL

Don't know! I never checked!

FRIEND 3

Oh man, you went home, right?

WILL

Straight home, man! Not cause I was scared either, just sleepy!

CUT TO: WILL in line at the movies, talking to PERSON in front of him.

WILL

Last time I was line for the movies, everything went FINE.

WILL and PERSON nod smugly together.

CUT TO: WILL getting a ticket from a COP.

WILL

(in voice over)

So while the cop was giving me a ticket, something in my gut was saying "Cooperate" so I DID.

CUT TO:

WILL at a podium, at some function where you would be telling an interesting story.

WILL

And I must have gone to that deli a thousand times and I always get the same thing, but last Tuesday I decided (thinks) oh, wait -- actually I got the same thing again. (acknolwedges applause) Yep. Whole wheat bagel with cream cheese. Makes me feel safe.

Applause. Someone yells "I love deli stories!"

WILL pulls a tape recorder out from under the podium amd removes the tape. A SCIENTISTS walks up and takes the tape, turns and walks off frame with it.

DISSOLVE to scientist putting tape in a machine.

DISSOLVE to a NASA headquarters countdown.

DISSOLVE to satellite going into space.

DISSOLVE to satellite shooting through space past camera. We hear "whole wheat bagel with cream cheese" as it goes by.

TITLE

And that is why aliens think humans are boring and we have never been invaded.

STILL OF WILL HINES with TITLE "HERO OF PLANET EARTH"