VAMPIRE RULES
INT. A COTTAGE IN THE WOODS
A WOMAN stands in the living room of her cottage. The front
door is open. A VAMPIRE stands outside.
WOMAN
Count Druman! You look so dashing! How I wish you were inside
with me!
VAMPIRE
And I wish that too, my dear! But don't you know that you
have to invite a vampire to enter or he will not do so?
WOMAN
Ah, yes. But didn't I do that when I said "I wish you were
inside with me?"
VAMPIRE
You have to be, like, really explicit about it.
WOMAN
Of course. Count Druman, I invite you to enter my home.
VAMPIRE enters.
VAMPIRE
Ah! A lovely home for a lovely woman. Come closer my love, I
want to see myself in your beautiful eyes.
WOMAN
Oh, Count Druman! Take me in your arms...Wait, see yourself
in my eyes? I thought vampires had no reflection.
VAMPIRE
Actually, we just don't show up in MIRRORS. Other partly
reflective surfaces are straight-up normal.
WOMAN
Weird.
VAMPIRE
It is.
HUSBAND enters the door.
HUSBAND
Step away from her, you unholy thing!
WOMAN
My husband!
HUSBAND
You monster, if you won't step away voluntarily, perhaps THIS
will convince you!
HUSBAND crosses the two candles in a cross shape.
VAMPIRE
What is that, like a cross or something?
HUSBAND
Yeah. It's a cross. Vampires can't stand the sight of crosses.
VAMPIRE
Well, a crucifix, yeah. A religious emblem. Carved, one
piece, and with Jesus on it. You can't just cross any two things together.
WOMAN
Really?
VAMPIRE
Yeah, I'm not like scared of the "T" symbol. Like I can play
tic-tac-toe.
WOMAN
But you don't, right? Because that's unglamorous.
VAMPIRE
Well, I'm unglamorous sometimes. You come over on Saturday
and I'm wearing jeans.
HUSBAND
Let's see how you feel when you're wearing this... holy water!
HUSBAND throws a vial of water on the VAMPIRE.
VAMPIRE
Ugh! I'm soaked!
WOMAN
Shouldn't that be burning?
VAMPIRE
Should be. Who baptized this?
HUSBAND
Father Sprock from St. Luke's.
VAMPIRE
Ah, that's Lutheran. It's gotta straight-up Catholic.
HUSBAND
Dammit, that's right! I feel stupid now.
VAMPIRE
Don't feel bad! I thought you had me.
WOMAN
The Catholic Church IS very far away.
HUSBAND
It is, right?
VAMPIRE
You know, there's no reason for anyone to feel bad. Let's all
just chill out. Sun's coming up -- let's go get some brunch. We can talk it
through over some Eggs Benedict.
WOMAN
Surely you can't stand the rays of the sun.
VAMPIRE
I checked the weather. It's gonna be cloudy. I'm good till
like noon.