VAMPIRE RULES

INT. A COTTAGE IN THE WOODS

A WOMAN stands in the living room of her cottage. The front door is open. A VAMPIRE stands outside.

WOMAN

Count Druman! You look so dashing! How I wish you were inside with me!

VAMPIRE

And I wish that too, my dear! But don't you know that you have to invite a vampire to enter or he will not do so?

WOMAN

Ah, yes. But didn't I do that when I said "I wish you were inside with me?"

VAMPIRE

You have to be, like, really explicit about it.

WOMAN

Of course. Count Druman, I invite you to enter my home.

VAMPIRE enters.

VAMPIRE

Ah! A lovely home for a lovely woman. Come closer my love, I want to see myself in your beautiful eyes.

WOMAN

Oh, Count Druman! Take me in your arms...Wait, see yourself in my eyes? I thought vampires had no reflection.

VAMPIRE

Actually, we just don't show up in MIRRORS. Other partly reflective surfaces are straight-up normal.

WOMAN

Weird.

VAMPIRE

It is.

HUSBAND enters the door.

HUSBAND

Step away from her, you unholy thing!

WOMAN

My husband!

HUSBAND

You monster, if you won't step away voluntarily, perhaps THIS will convince you!

HUSBAND crosses the two candles in a cross shape.

VAMPIRE

What is that, like a cross or something?

HUSBAND

Yeah. It's a cross. Vampires can't stand the sight of crosses.

VAMPIRE

Well, a crucifix, yeah. A religious emblem. Carved, one piece, and with Jesus on it. You can't just cross any two things together.

WOMAN

Really?

VAMPIRE

Yeah, I'm not like scared of the "T" symbol. Like I can play tic-tac-toe.

WOMAN

But you don't, right? Because that's unglamorous.

VAMPIRE

Well, I'm unglamorous sometimes. You come over on Saturday and I'm wearing jeans.

HUSBAND

Let's see how you feel when you're wearing this... holy water!

HUSBAND throws a vial of water on the VAMPIRE.

VAMPIRE

Ugh! I'm soaked!

WOMAN

Shouldn't that be burning?

VAMPIRE

Should be. Who baptized this?

HUSBAND

Father Sprock from St. Luke's.

VAMPIRE

Ah, that's Lutheran. It's gotta straight-up Catholic.

HUSBAND

Dammit, that's right! I feel stupid now.

VAMPIRE

Don't feel bad! I thought you had me.

WOMAN

The Catholic Church IS very far away.

HUSBAND

It is, right?

VAMPIRE

You know, there's no reason for anyone to feel bad. Let's all just chill out. Sun's coming up -- let's go get some brunch. We can talk it through over some Eggs Benedict.

WOMAN

Surely you can't stand the rays of the sun.

VAMPIRE

I checked the weather. It's gonna be cloudy. I'm good till like noon.