PERKY HOST DOES NOT GET FIRE

Will Hines - 917-721-1138 whines@gmail.com

MADELINE is sitting at a microphone wearing headphones, broadcasting a radio show.

MADELINE

And here's one more item, television fans! The CW has announced it will release a DVD of its short-lived remake of "Melrose Place." It may sport a more polished production than its 90s predecessor, but that polish hasn't rubbed away its delightfully campy tone!

A PRODUCER sticks his head in speaking in a quiet tone.

PRODUCER

Madeline, didn't you hear me before? There is a terrific fire in this building. It is tearing through the oak staircases like they are newspaper. We have to leave. I am speaking quietly only because I am paralyzed with fear. Ok?

MADELINE nods.

PRODUCER

I'm going back to the window to wave for the fire department to rescue us. Follow me, please.

PRODUCER leaves. MADELINE turns back to the microphone.

MADELINE

Say television fans, if you're troubled, here's a happy thought! Remember that Retro-chic nostalgia-fest Mad Men was snazzilly renewed for another season, meaning we can look forward to 13 more gin-soaked dapperly dressed episodes, this time in mid-60s swinging style!

PRODUCER re-enters.

PRODUCER

Madeline, do you understand the scope of this fire? Huge columns of flame are ravaging the floors below us.  Even through these concrete walls, you can hear the crackling. You need to come with me to the window and wave to the fire department. Do you understand?

MADELINE nods.

PRODUCER

Do you hear how quiet my voice is? I have never been this scared in my entire life.

MADELINE nods. PRODUCER leaves. MADELINE turns back to the microphone.

MADELINE

Uh-oh TV fans, a bit of a downer of an item: efforts to bring back quirk-riffic dramedy Pushing Daisies have finally stalled. Looks like we'll need to look elsewhere for our careful concoctions of smiles, tears and whimsy!

PRODUCER enters.

PRODUCER

Madeline, even in normal circumstances your tv gossip show is useless, do you understand that? And right now, with the fire mercilessly gutting the foundations of this building -- your show is even more useless. I looked down the stairwell at the flames. They are awesome in scope. Can you hear me?

MADELINE nods.

PRODUCER

Do you understand that there is a terrific fire in this building?

MADELINE nods.

PRODUCER

And that your radio show is normally useless and now especially so?

MADELINE pauses, but does not nod.

MADELINE

I love my show.

PRODUCER

You will die here, crazy pants. You will die here.

PRODUCER leaves. MADELINE returns to the microphone.

MADELINE

It's come to my attention that more fans than usual may be missing this episode. Well, remember to catch it podcast form at tvtalk.daytonradio.com. Coming up after the break -- thoughts on the goth-fused love stories of True Blood, and whether it's the romance of the decade or just a pain in the neck.