USED CARS WITH EXTRA HOOEY
STAN, a USED CAR SALESMAN, addresses the camera. He's wearing
a cowboy hat.
...so get down here to Stan's Motor Parade, where we cut
through the red tape and give you the best deal you can get without all the
hooey! Come on down!
CUT TO: PHIL, another USED CAR SALESMAN. He has a baseball
Hey everybody. Phil here from Phil's Used Car Bonanza!
Special deal happening right now: come on down and buy a car and in six months
you will receive an extra special case of hooey! Delivered right to your door!
So come on down and get a great new car, and in six months get a great bunch of
CUT TO: STAN
Howdy folks. Stan here from Stan's Motor Parade. Some of my
competitors are offering a special deal where they promise to give you "hooey."
I also understand that these competitors' sales have increased. I'd like to let
you know that "hooey" is not an actual thing that you can receive but a term
that refers to baloney or malarkey or just general flim flam -- anyway, it's
not something you would want. So offering "hooey" isn't really offering you
anything. Come on down to Stan's where we have a strict "no-hooey" policy.
CUT TO: PHIL
Greetings, friends! Things are booming down here at Phil's
and you don't want to miss out! Not only can you buy a car from us and get a
case of hooey sent to your door in six months -- but if you refer a friend just
to come on to the lot, we will send you a special six-pack of hooey, signed by
me. You don't want to miss out on all this hooey! Get on down!
CUT TO: STAN
Hello people. Stan here. Look, "hooey" isn't anything. The
reason he's saying you'll get in six months is he's stalling because he can't
send you hooey --ever -- because it's not a thing. It's not like a sauce or a
hunk of metal. You people who are waiting for hooey -- you're not gonna get it!
Why would you want hooey? I'm slashing prices 10% as of right now. And that's
no hooey, which is a good thing.
CUT TO: PHIL. He has a suit on and either a fedora or maybe
no hat at all.
Good afternoon, compatriots! Phil here at Phil's Used Car Bonanza! Cars are flying off the lot here! You folks are threatening to run me out of all my hooey! But never fear! I've just secured a special deal to get MORE HOOEY on this lot! Which means for THIS WEEK ONLY -- if you buy a car from me, you will get TWICE THE HOOEY -- delivered right to your door -- in six month! Folks I gotta be crazy to give out so much hooey so don't tell the doctors, just come on down here and GET YOUR HOOEY!
CUT TO: Stan
There's no hooey! That's just a bullshit term that people use to imply that someone else is lying to you. Phil's sales have gone up 300%. I didn't even know there were that many people in town! I gotta think some people are buying more than one car just to get more hooey. Why would you want hooey? What is it you're picturing? Get some perspective. Jesus, I feel like the goddamn Lorax here.
CUT TO: PHIL. He has a fur coat. He says nothing but simple
holds up a jar (honey pot or cookie jar) that says HOOEY on it.
CUT TO: STAN
I'm bankrupt, people. Stan's Motor Parade is out of business.
Phil offered to buy me out. Either ten pennies per every dollar share of my
business, or five pennies and a bucket of hooey. I took the hooey. I took the