"NO SPOILERS" TIME TRAVEL

ALAN and BOB are wearing lab coats. A refrigerator-sized BOX is on stage.

SFX: TIME TRAVEL SOUNDS!

CHARLES bursts out of the box, wearing a tin foil suit.

CHARLES

Guys, it works! TIME TRAVEL WORKS! I was in the future!

ALAN and BOB cheer!

ALAN and BOB

Yeah! All right!

CHARLES

I only went a month forward to check, but I was definitely in the future! I was at the World Series!

ALAN covers his ears.

ALAN

det det det det det! Don't tell me who was in the World Series! I want to be surprised!

BOB

Come on, it's going to be the Yankees!

ALAN

You don't know that!

CHARLES

Okay! I won't say who was playing... Well, I kind of HAVE to say where I was. I was in New York.

BOB

YANKEES!

ALAN

Damn it, Charles!

CHHARLES

I'm sorry, I'm sorry! But the point is I traveled through space AND time. I WAS IN NEW YORK IN THE FUTURE! I took the train into Times Square...

ALAN

Near the movie theaters?

CHARLES

Uh, yeah, I guess.

ALAN

DON'T TELL ME HOW THE INFORMANT IS DOING!

CHARLES

The Soderberg movie?

BOB

Yeah, Alan and I have a pool over what will be the top-grossing art slash mainstream hit of October.

ALAN

And I am going to WIN THAT BET! "Precious" is going to rock!

CHARLES

Who cares? I WAS IN THE FUTURE! Look, I bought a copy of the paper to show you the date!

BOB

DON'T SHOW IT TO ME! I can see there's a story on the yields of wheat crops in India! I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!

CHARLES

About the yields of wheat crops?

ALAN

We're studying them! If we know the results we'll be biased about how we observe the results, Charles!

BOB

You should know that Charles, you're a scientist!

CHARLES

Look, guys I NEED to be able to tell you what happened on my trip wihtout worrying about "ruining" things for you!

ALAN

Okay, you're right.

BOB

What happened after you bought the newspaper

LINCOLN, HITLER, CAVEMAN and a GREEN ALIEN WITH HELMET exit the machine.

CHARLES

Shit got weird.

BLACKOUT