CHANDELIER SALESMAN ASSUMES SWINGING
A SALESMAN is talking to a CUSTOMER in a light store.
So you'd like to order four chandeliers for your banquet hall?
That's right. We host weddings and proms and such, and we're
expanding the facility. I have some photos of what style we prefer...
No need. How many people usually attend each event?
Anywhere from 300 to as high as a thousand.
And in what shape are these customers? Young, fit? Or older
and more withered?
They are all variety of ages and ... shapes.
And how many of them will be swinging from chandeliers per
event? Should we assume half?
I don't expect any of the customers to be swinging from the
That would be a foolish assumption on your part. Let's assume
half. I recommend this steel model -- with a six hundred pound test chain
holding it from the ceiling. It can support up to two people swinging at once
of nearly any weight.
I'm more interested in the aesthetics, frankly. Our decor is
a faux early 1900s, you can see in this photo here...
The only style to consider is that the chandelier have nice
low swooping arms so your clients can grab them easily, otherwise they will be
frustrated when they try to establish a grip.
Sir, my customers will not be trying to grip the chandeliers.
With respect sir, I think I know the business a little better
A PIRATE enters.
Ah, Clancy. Here's your slip. You can pick your order up at
The PIRATE looks over his receipt and nods.
Maybe you just have a narrow view of who buys chandeliers.
I suggest that YOU have narrow view of your customers and
what they are likely doing behind your back.
A SWASHBUCKLER enters. He has a cast.
Hey Phil. Sorry to do this, I need a refund. I was swinging
from the northeast arm of the standard ballroom model and it just snapped off.
Oh dear. Are you sure this wasn't an installation problem?
No, no. Look here's the picture right afterwards.
Ah, that's terrible. I don't know what happened. Of course a
refund is certainly in order. Here, take this card to the cashier's desk. I
assure you this is an infrequent occurrence.
I understand, things happen. Thanks Phil!
Perhaps for these gentlemen it does matter. Not for my customers.
Let me see these photos your brought. Look, there are people
swinging from the chandeliers in every photo!
Wow, I hadn't noticed!
We see a montage of photos. In each one, a guest or two is
swinging from a CHANDELIER, usually while wearing formal wear. First is a groom
and bride, then two girls in prom dresses and then an old man in a tux, and
then a baby.
Your existing chandeliers are excellent for swinging, as is
any proper chandelier. These are well made fixtures.
I'm so sorry I doubted you. I'd like four of the model you
MISS MANNERS enters
Hello. I am Miss Manners. A gracious host who is providing a
chandelier as decor for his guests will make sure that said chandelier can
support the weight of at least one if not two of his guests at once. To do any
less is tacky and frankly, inconsiderate.
MISS MANNERS jumps up and grabs a chandelier and swings out