FAMOUS PEOPLE VANISH
TITLE: BREAKING NEWS
Ladies and gentlemen, as you know a tragic phenomenon began
occurring this morning -- everyone famous on the planet vanished at once. The
normal and longtime anchor for this news show, Al Stanley, was among the tens
of thousands who visits. That is why sitting in for him is me, Joey Howard.
NEWSANCHOR 1 vanishes. Another similarly dressed anchor
immediately takes his place.
Ladies and gentlemen, this news show has determined that is
not safe to say your name on television. Not only has every famous person
vanished, but also anyone who BECOMES famous. That seems to be why the previous
anchor Joey Howard vanished once our television audience learned his name. And
that is why I will not say my own name out loud, and neither will my co-anchor
NEWSANCHOR 3 (Sam) was just sitting into frame, but he looks
distressed upon hearing his name and vanishes.
Ouch. Um, sorry Sam. Wow, that's terrible. We have to be
careful, ladies and gentlemen, to NOT use our names in public. Here is a
NEWSANCHOR 4 sits down, looking nervous.
...whose name I will NOT reveal.
Thank you, Ron.
Oh my God! I'm sorry! Ladies and gentlemen it appears that
even saying the FIRST name of someone causes them to vanish. We must be extra
careful to remain anonymous.
NEWSANCHORS 5 and 6 sit behind desk.
(to NEWSANCHOR 5)
Thank you for joining me, sir.
(to NEWSANCHOR 6)
Oh, I didn't see you there, Sean!
My name isn't Sean!
No, mine is! Aaaah!
NEWANCHOR 5 vanishes.
I'm so sorry Sean! I was startled!
Sal, get the camera off of us!
We hear CAMERAMAN gasp offscreen, the camera bumps so the
ANCHORS are out of focus, presumably because the camerman disappeared.
Don't worry, unnammed newsanchor. This is a scary time and we
are all on edge. I'm sure everything will work out.
I'm impressed with your confidence (carefully)... stranger.
Because I know that I am a totally unfamous person, and that
as long as we don't say my name I will be safe from this phenomenon.
You're right, of course. The closest I've ever been to being famous is when I was in the background of that YouTube video of the baby dancing to Beyonce.
That was you?
NEWSANCHOR 4 vanishes.
This is indeed a tragic time.
STEVE GUTENBERG enters and sits down.
Hello America. My name is Steve Gutenberg. And even though I
am famous I have not vanished. I presume this is some sort of cosmic insult,
implying that I am somehow not famous enough to be effected by whatever
phenomenon is making famous people disappear. Or that I am somehow instantly
forgettable, so that not enough people at anyone time remember me so that I
invoke this magic vanishing. But I want you to know, that I Steve Gutenberg,
will fight and fight to be famous enough to someday vanish. That I will someday
be famous enough to be taken.
Thank you, Steve Gutenberg. You know I once filmed a parody
of Police Academy and posted it...(vanishes)
It's REALLY insulting.