FAMOUS PEOPLE VANISH

TITLE: BREAKING NEWS

NEWSANCHOR 1

Ladies and gentlemen, as you know a tragic phenomenon began occurring this morning -- everyone famous on the planet vanished at once. The normal and longtime anchor for this news show, Al Stanley, was among the tens of thousands who visits. That is why sitting in for him is me, Joey Howard.

NEWSANCHOR 1 vanishes. Another similarly dressed anchor immediately takes his place.

NEWSANCHOR 2

Ladies and gentlemen, this news show has determined that is not safe to say your name on television. Not only has every famous person vanished, but also anyone who BECOMES famous. That seems to be why the previous anchor Joey Howard vanished once our television audience learned his name. And that is why I will not say my own name out loud, and neither will my co-anchor Sam Ritner.

NEWSANCHOR 3 (Sam) was just sitting into frame, but he looks distressed upon hearing his name and vanishes.

NEWSANCHOR 2

Ouch. Um, sorry Sam. Wow, that's terrible. We have to be careful, ladies and gentlemen, to NOT use our names in public. Here is a replacement co-anchor,

NEWSANCHOR 4 sits down, looking nervous.

NEWSANCHOR 2

...whose name I will NOT reveal.

NEWSANCHOR 4

Thank you, Ron.

NEWSANCHOR 2

Shit! (vanishes)

NEWSANCHOR 4

Oh my God! I'm sorry! Ladies and gentlemen it appears that even saying the FIRST name of someone causes them to vanish. We must be extra careful to remain anonymous.

NEWSANCHORS 5 and 6 sit behind desk.

NEWSANCHOR 4

(to NEWSANCHOR 5)

Thank you for joining me, sir.

(to NEWSANCHOR 6)

Oh, I didn't see you there, Sean!

NEWSANCHOR 6

My name isn't Sean!

NEWSANCHOR 5

No, mine is! Aaaah!

NEWANCHOR 5 vanishes.

NEWSANCHOR 4

I'm so sorry Sean! I was startled!

(to camera)

Sal, get the camera off of us!

We hear CAMERAMAN gasp offscreen, the camera bumps so the ANCHORS are out of focus, presumably because the camerman disappeared.

NEWSANCHOR 4

Oh no!

NEWSANCHOR 6

Don't worry, unnammed newsanchor. This is a scary time and we are all on edge. I'm sure everything will work out.

NEWSANCHOR 4

I'm impressed with your confidence (carefully)... stranger.

NEWSANCHOR 6

Because I know that I am a totally unfamous person, and that as long as we don't say my name I will be safe from this phenomenon.

NEWSANCHOR 4

You're right, of course. The closest I've ever been to being famous is when I was in the background of that YouTube video of the baby dancing to Beyonce.

NEWSANCHOR 6

That was you?

NEWSANCHOR 4 vanishes.

NEWSANCHOR 6

This is indeed a tragic time.

STEVE GUTENBERG enters and sits down.

STEVE GUTENBERG

Hello America. My name is Steve Gutenberg. And even though I am famous I have not vanished. I presume this is some sort of cosmic insult, implying that I am somehow not famous enough to be effected by whatever phenomenon is making famous people disappear. Or that I am somehow instantly forgettable, so that not enough people at anyone time remember me so that I invoke this magic vanishing. But I want you to know, that I Steve Gutenberg, will fight and fight to be famous enough to someday vanish. That I will someday be famous enough to be taken.

NEWSANCHOR 6

Thank you, Steve Gutenberg. You know I once filmed a parody of Police Academy and posted it...(vanishes)

STEVE GUTENBERG

It's REALLY insulting.