STEVE IS UP
FOR IT
WILL HINES - 917 721 1138 / whines@gmail.com
STEVE ZANVETTOR, a mid-30s burnout,
addresses the camera. He speaks in happy, carefree tone. He has an
unkempt
beard, wears a baha jacket and cargo shorts and is holding a bag of Funions.
STEVE
America! What is up, duders? My name is Steve Zanvettor and I
have bought this time on national television to bring you an important message:
if you have a plan or idea for something to do -- anything at all -- I
am up for it.
You don't know me yet, future friends. But the deal is this:
I am in such a good mood at
all times that if I ever cross paths with any of you -- and at that
time you want to do something -- anything -- I am up for it. So let's go.
STEVE turns to the right. A different camera films him, in a
close-up.
STEVE
What kind of things am I into? Pick-up
basketball. Record shopping. Vandalism. Smoking marijuana. Abstaining from
smoking marijuana. Smoking marijuana again. Chilling out in a field. Pull-ups.
Coin defacing. Reading historical novels set in the ocean.
Running at top speed. Bookbinding. A year-long confidence scam of a loving
family. Backgammon. Whatever, man! I'm
up for it.
INSERT SHOT of an A&P.
STEVE
I am currently semi-employed at the A&P at North
Street Shopping Center in Danbury, CT, primarily in the frozen food aisle. If
you're passing by, tap me on the shoulder and say hey because I'm into it.
Back to straight-on medium shot of STEVE.
STEVE
You see: not enough people approach me with ideas. My immediate circle of friends....
INSERT shot of STEVE with four dudes dressed just like him,
all bearded, all spaced out.
STEVE
are not proactive enough with plans and schemes. Their last
idea was in 2008, when we went to city hall and started bucket drumming. Great
plan, but it's been too long. I wanna do
stuff, man, so hit me up.
Switch to a side shot.
STEVE
What kind of people should approach me? Anyone. Young people.
Oldies. Squares. Authority figures. Submissives. Teens angry at their parents.
Men. Women. Infants. Diplomats. People at emotional crossroads. Rigid business
executives. Quirky chicks. Quirky diplomats. Quirky infants. You conceive the
notion and I will help set it in motion.
Back to a front-on shot.
STEVE
I currently reside in the affordable housing units across
from RollerWorld in Danbury, CT, and am constantly ready to socialize. You're
asking: "Is your good mood drug related?" Answer: Not always.
INSERT shot of Rollerworld roller rink.
STEVE
My special skills include: Penmanship. Introductory massage
techniques. Throwing. Chatting people up. An extensive knowledge of the works
of Blues Traveler. Making cool faces. Finding parking spots. Coin defacing.
Lord of the Rings fan fiction. Old timey marbles. Bucket drumming.
I would give out my cell number but I do not have a phone.
CUT TO a close-up.
Who? Me and you. What? Anything. When? Right about now, funk
soul
brother. My name is
Steve Zanvettor. I'm into it. I mean up for it! Wait, can we shoot it again?
TITLE ON SCREEN: Steve Zanvettor: Into it.
NARRATOR
This network would like to remind you that this it not a
dating site. This is a commercial, which Steve Zanvettor paid for using what we
presume is his life savings. Engage him in your plans at your own risk. This
network cannot be held responsible.