FIX YOUR WHITEBOY

WILL HINES - 917 721 1138 / whines@gmail.com

The screen is filled with a YouTube screen. The video player shows a title screen called "Latina Talk." A cursor clicks the screen as the camera zooms in so the video fills the whole screen. Video cuts to:

JULIA REYES, a Latina woman, addressing the camera from the table of a coffee shop.

JULIA

Excuse me, but my name is Julia Reyes and I am a real estate developer in Ridgewood, Queens. This is my web series Latina Talk where I offer advice to other Latina women, when they become like temporarily stupid.

Today, I am talking to Latinas who are dating whiteboys that are sweet but look ridiculous. Like my friend Valerie who is dating this sweet whiteboy named Chad.

INSERT SHOT: Valerie, a Latina girl, and CHAD a glasses-wearing hipstery dude.

JULIA

Valerie! I like Chad, he is cute and nice, good for you -- but you need to know: he looks ridiculous and you need to fix that whiteboy up. Step one: make him buy tighter shirts.

INSERT SHOTS: CHAD wearing baggy, untucked collared shirt, open with a T-shirt underneath that says Sonic Youth.

JULIA

Look at these shirts, he is dressed like a balloon. Chad went to college right, Valerie? So why does he look like a railroad hobo. Excuse me, but your whiteboy is cute, so make him wear some tight shirts and look nice, like my favorite whiteboy ever, Hugh Laurie.

INSERT SHOT of HUGH LAURIE as HOUSE.

JULIA

He is so adorable I don't even mind that he's so British. Okay, step two for fixing up your white boy, get rid of his stupid glasses.

INSERT SHOTS: Series of shots of CHAD wearing stylish glasses: Mad Men frames, tortoise shell half-frames, rimless circled glasses.

JULIA

Valerie, I cannot tell whiteboys apart when they wear glasses! I'm sorry but that is true! Chad! Mark! Don! They all look like twins. Plus they look 80 years old, or like they are from a family of like newspaper reporters. It's worse than when Diego Luna wears glasses, which makes him look like a sad muppet.

INSERT SHOT of Diego Luna with glasses.

JULIA

It's so sad. Okay, step three for fixing whiteboys: Get him to wear a non-ironic Halloween costume. I have a huge Halloween party every year. Valerie, when you bring Chad I never know what the heck he is, like, DOING. This is what he wore last year.

INSERT SHOTS: CHAD dressed in a suit with a handwritten sign that says "Public Option".

JULIA

What does this costume even mean? It is Halloween, not political cartoon day, okay? Be a pirate, be Superman.

JULIA's cell phone rings.

JULIA

One second. (to phone) Hello? Oh hi Valerie. You want listings for places in the East Village? Why? There's so many hipsters, it looks like the 70s! Why don't you live in Forest Hills where it's nice? Actually, my opinion DOES matter.  Because I am the realtor. You shut YOUR face. You shut YOUR face. You shut YOUR face. You. You. You. Okay. I'm sorry too. I'm going to forward you a listing for Forest Hills. You'll love it. There's trees, there's a Target. Thank you sweetie, say hello to Chad.

JULIA hangs up the phone.

JULIA

Sorry about that. Okay, last step four to fixing your whiteboy: Leave his stupid dancing alone.

INSERT SHOT: Footage of white guy dancing awkwardly in Latin club.

JULIA

I see you Latina girls trying to make your white boys dance right. Do not do that. They look adorable when they dance badly. They do! They look scared and like they kinda have epilepsy and it is CUTE. Get in there and sex them up if you want, but don't make them dance right or they will lose their whiteboy charm. Leave the dancing alone.

INSERT SHOT: Same footage of Chad dancing.

JULIA

Oops, I have one amendment. You know who looks good in glasses? Hugh Laurie.

INSERT SHOT: Hugh Laurie in glasses.

JULIA

For him, it works. Okay, That's it for this episode. Please join me next episode where I'll recommend 80s songs and Andrea Bocelli for your mix CDs.