FIX YOUR
WHITEBOY
WILL HINES - 917 721 1138 / whines@gmail.com
The screen is filled with a YouTube screen. The video player
shows a title screen called "Latina Talk." A cursor clicks the screen as the
camera zooms in so the video fills the whole screen. Video cuts to:
JULIA REYES, a Latina woman, addressing the camera from the
table of a coffee shop.
JULIA
Excuse me, but my name is Julia Reyes and I am a real estate
developer in Ridgewood, Queens. This is my web series Latina Talk where I offer
advice to other Latina women, when they become like temporarily stupid.
Today, I am talking to Latinas who are dating whiteboys that
are sweet but look ridiculous.
Like my friend Valerie who is dating this sweet whiteboy named Chad.
INSERT SHOT: Valerie, a Latina girl, and CHAD a
glasses-wearing hipstery dude.
JULIA
Valerie! I like Chad, he is cute and nice, good for you --
but you need to know: he looks ridiculous and you need to fix that
whiteboy up. Step one: make him buy tighter
shirts.
INSERT SHOTS: CHAD wearing baggy, untucked collared shirt, open with a T-shirt underneath that says Sonic Youth.
JULIA
Look at these shirts, he is dressed like a balloon. Chad went
to college right, Valerie? So why does he look like a railroad hobo. Excuse me,
but your whiteboy is cute, so make him wear some tight shirts and look nice,
like my favorite whiteboy ever, Hugh Laurie.
INSERT SHOT of HUGH LAURIE as HOUSE.
JULIA
He is so adorable I don't even mind that he's so British.
Okay, step two for fixing up your white boy, get rid of his
stupid glasses.
INSERT SHOTS: Series of shots of CHAD wearing stylish
glasses: Mad Men frames, tortoise shell half-frames, rimless circled glasses.
JULIA
Valerie, I cannot tell whiteboys apart when they wear
glasses! I'm sorry but that is true! Chad! Mark! Don! They all look like twins.
Plus they look 80 years old, or like they are from a family
of like newspaper reporters. It's worse than when Diego Luna wears glasses,
which makes him look like a sad muppet.
INSERT SHOT of Diego Luna with glasses.
JULIA
It's so sad. Okay, step three for fixing whiteboys: Get him
to wear a non-ironic Halloween costume. I have a huge
Halloween party every year. Valerie, when you bring Chad I never know what the
heck he is, like, DOING. This is what he wore last year.
INSERT SHOTS: CHAD dressed in a suit with a handwritten sign that says "Public Option".
JULIA
What does this costume even mean? It is Halloween, not
political cartoon day, okay? Be a pirate, be Superman.
JULIA's cell phone rings.
JULIA
One second. (to phone) Hello? Oh hi Valerie. You want
listings for places in the East Village? Why? There's so many hipsters, it
looks like the 70s! Why don't you live in Forest Hills where it's nice?
Actually, my opinion DOES matter. Because I am the realtor. You shut YOUR
face. You shut YOUR face. You shut YOUR face. You. You. You. Okay. I'm sorry
too. I'm going to forward you a listing for Forest Hills. You'll love it.
There's trees, there's a Target. Thank you sweetie, say hello to Chad.
JULIA hangs up the phone.
JULIA
Sorry about that. Okay, last step four to fixing your
whiteboy: Leave his stupid dancing
alone.
INSERT SHOT: Footage of white guy dancing awkwardly in Latin
club.
JULIA
I see you Latina girls trying to make your white boys dance
right. Do not do that. They look adorable when they dance badly. They do! They
look scared and like they kinda have epilepsy and it is CUTE. Get in there and
sex them up if you want, but don't make them dance right or they will lose
their whiteboy charm. Leave the dancing alone.
INSERT SHOT: Same footage of Chad dancing.
JULIA
Oops, I have one amendment. You know who looks good in
glasses? Hugh Laurie.
INSERT SHOT: Hugh Laurie in glasses.
JULIA
For him, it works. Okay, That's it for this episode. Please
join me next episode where I'll recommend 80s songs
and Andrea Bocelli for your mix CDs.