OMEGA COUNCIL 2010

There is a single spotlight on the stage. WARRIOR enters, winded, with a sword and stands in it.

HEADMASTER

(VOICE-OVER)

Warrior, do you seek membership on the Omega Council?

The WARRIOR kneels.

WARRIOR

I do, headmaster. I have spent many moons finding this cavern and I offer myself as a candidate for the Council.

HEADMASTER

And what have you done to prove your worth?

WARRIOR

I swam through the Pool of Serpents without going mad. And I defeated the Giant who guards the entrance to the Valley of Tears. And I sliced the teats from the DoomBeast of Nangoth.

HEADMASTER

Most impressive, warrior.

WARRIOR

Thank you, my lord.

HEADMASTER

Now, how about a U.S. senator?

WARRIOR

You mean, did I... KILL... a senator?

HEADMASTER

No, no. Can you NAME one of your U.S. senators? A member of the Omega Council must be well-versed in the ways of the world. Name a senator, warrior!

WARRIOR

My senator is Chuck Schumer.

HEADMASTER

Pff. That's an EASY one. Name one from outside your home state, warrior.

WARRIOR

Uh... Barbara Boxer?

HEADMASTER

From California. Most impressive, warrior.

WARRIOR

Thank you. Um, I don't know if you heard me before, but I sliced the teats from the DoomBeast of Nangoth...

HEADMASTER

Yes, yes. Name your U.S. representative, warrior.

WARRIOR

I don't know my representative.

HEADMASTER

Sigh. What's your zip code?

WARRIOR

Uh, 10009.

HEADMASTER

Okay, let's see. (sound of pages flipping) Okay, your representative is Nydia M. Velazquez. 12th Congressional District of New York. Is it really so hard to remember that?

WARRIOR

No, I suppose it's not. My lord, I'm not sure if you've ever seen the jaws of the Doombeast, but he really had me good, and I...

HEADMASTER

Yes, yes, most impressive. But still, you spill the blood of an evil demon, and what does that do about the national debt? It's at 7.2 trillion now and still shooting up...

WARRIOR

Um, wait! I think in 2008 I might have sent in some money to promote voter registration.

HEADMASTER

Most impressive, warrior.

WARRIOR

Thank you, my lord. But I thought the Omega Council was a tribune of warriors and guardians! I'm the best warrior of my generation! I've come here for a quest!

HEADMASTER

A quest, warrior? Do you think you have the mettle to journey to our nation's capitol?

WARRIOR

Oh, I get it! You want someone to infiltrate Congress. To get a job on the inside, and help control the government from within!

HEADMASTER

Wow. No, I mean, that would be great. But no, we just need someone to drop off some flyers. We're trying to get some petitions about solar panels to the right people, so, you know...

WARRIOR

What IS this? Why do you waste your time on things like that? And if you do, why do you operate out of a hidden cave? Just get an office in Georgetown!

HEADMASTER

Well, we tried, but real estate prices have really jumped up there, and this place is paid off...

WARRIOR

It took me SEVERAL moons to find this place, and I had to kill those trolls to enter...

HEADMASTER

You killed our trolls? Those were the guys who were going to go down to D.C. with you!

WARRIOR

How was I supposed to know? I tried to find out how to meet with you guys, and there's no information ANYWHERE!

HEADMASTER

Well, we're having trouble with our website. Our programmer was carried off to Valor by the great slug Splithnor.

WARRIOR

I know some Flash programming, if that helps.

HEADMASTER

Most impressive, warrior.

BLACKOUT.