OMEGA COUNCIL 2010
There is a single spotlight on the stage. WARRIOR enters, winded, with a sword and stands in it.
HEADMASTER
(VOICE-OVER)
Warrior, do you seek membership on the Omega Council?
The WARRIOR kneels.
WARRIOR
I do, headmaster. I have spent many moons finding this cavern and I offer myself as a candidate for the Council.
HEADMASTER
And what have you done to prove your worth?
WARRIOR
I swam through the Pool of Serpents without going mad. And I defeated the Giant who guards the entrance to the Valley of Tears. And I sliced the teats from the DoomBeast of Nangoth.
HEADMASTER
Most impressive, warrior.
WARRIOR
Thank you, my lord.
HEADMASTER
Now, how about a U.S. senator?
WARRIOR
You mean, did I... KILL... a senator?
HEADMASTER
No, no. Can you NAME one of your U.S. senators? A member of the Omega Council must be well-versed in the ways of the world. Name a senator, warrior!
WARRIOR
My senator is Chuck Schumer.
HEADMASTER
Pff. That's an EASY one. Name one from outside your home state, warrior.
WARRIOR
Uh... Barbara Boxer?
HEADMASTER
From California. Most impressive, warrior.
WARRIOR
Thank you. Um, I don't know if you heard me before, but I sliced the teats from the DoomBeast of Nangoth...
HEADMASTER
Yes, yes. Name your U.S. representative, warrior.
WARRIOR
I don't know my representative.
HEADMASTER
Sigh. What's your zip code?
WARRIOR
Uh, 10009.
HEADMASTER
Okay, let's see. (sound of pages flipping) Okay, your representative is Nydia M. Velazquez. 12th Congressional District of New York. Is it really so hard to remember that?
WARRIOR
No, I suppose it's not. My lord, I'm not sure if you've ever seen the jaws of the Doombeast, but he really had me good, and I...
HEADMASTER
Yes, yes, most impressive. But still, you spill the blood of an evil demon, and what does that do about the national debt? It's at 7.2 trillion now and still shooting up...
WARRIOR
Um, wait! I think in 2008 I might have sent in some money to promote voter registration.
HEADMASTER
Most impressive, warrior.
WARRIOR
Thank you, my lord. But I thought the Omega Council was a tribune of warriors and guardians! I'm the best warrior of my generation! I've come here for a quest!
HEADMASTER
A quest, warrior? Do you think you have the mettle to journey to our nation's capitol?
WARRIOR
Oh, I get it! You want someone to infiltrate Congress. To get a job on the inside, and help control the government from within!
HEADMASTER
Wow. No, I mean, that would be great. But no, we just need someone to drop off some flyers. We're trying to get some petitions about solar panels to the right people, so, you know...
WARRIOR
What IS this? Why do you waste your time on things like that? And if you do, why do you operate out of a hidden cave? Just get an office in Georgetown!
HEADMASTER
Well, we tried, but real estate prices have really jumped up there, and this place is paid off...
WARRIOR
It took me SEVERAL moons to find this place, and I had to kill those trolls to enter...
HEADMASTER
You killed our trolls? Those were the guys who were going to go down to D.C. with you!
WARRIOR
How was I supposed to know? I tried to find out how to meet with you guys, and there's no information ANYWHERE!
HEADMASTER
Well, we're having trouble with our website. Our programmer was carried off to Valor by the great slug Splithnor.
WARRIOR
I know some Flash programming, if that helps.
HEADMASTER
Most impressive, warrior.
BLACKOUT.