BP DOESN'T KNOW

INT. C-SPAN Broadcast: Congressional Hearing of BP

BP CEO TONY HAYWARD sits at the witness table. REP. BART STUPAK (D), REP. HENRY WAXMAN (D), and REP. JOE BARTON (R) are questioning him.

REP. BART STUPAK (D)

Mr. Hayward, thank you for returning here to answer questions about your company's oil spill. I'll remind you that even though the United States is not currently pressing charges, that this is a hearing and you are under oath.

BP CEO TONY HAYWARD

I understand.

STUPAK

First question, in your opinion was BP irresponsible in the creation of this oil well?

HAYWARD

Well, I'm not a technical engineer, so I'm actually not qualified to make that assessment. I don't really know.

STUPAK

Well, in your opinion as a business executive. Was BP irresponsible?

HAYWARD

It is really a technical assessment and so I must say with respect that I do not know.

STUPAK

Fine, I'll move on. Seeing how much oil has spilled do you wish that BP had taken more safety precautions with installing this well?

HAWYWARD

I don't know.

STUPAK

What do you mean, you don't know? Of you wish there was more safety -- there is tons of oil spilling out of the ocean floor!

HAYWARD

Yes, but since I am not a time traveller I can't tell what would have happened should we made more saftey precautions. Maybe those precautions would have caused other problems. So I don't know.

WAXMAN

Mr. Hayward, here's an easy one -- are BP employees doing everything they can to fix this spill?

HAYWARD

I don't know. I'm not a mind reader, am I? So maybe there are workers who are daydreaming or goofing off and they could be doing more! Who can say? Not me. I don't know.

WAXMAN

I'm trying to throw you a bone here, sir.

HAYWARD

I don't know that. What's a bone?

WAXMAN

What do you mean, what's a bone?

HAYWARD

I'm British, you're American. You're using an expression. I can't be certain I understand it. I don't have the information. I don't know.

STUPAK

Mr. Hayward, the spill has been active for four months now.

HAYWARD

I don't know that.

STUPAK

Yes you do. We all know that.

HAYWARD

Well I'm not a calendar. I can't be certain how much time has passed. Maybe we're all just figments of someone else's imagination. I don't know.

WAXMAN

You know you're the kind of person I'd want to hit in the face even if you hadn't broken the Earth.

HAYWARD

I don't know that.

WAXMAN

You don't know what?

HAYWARD

If I broke the Earth. Maybe we fixed it. Maybe there was too much oil in it and we've let out the extra. I don't know.

BARTON

Mr. Hayward. I for one would like to apologize on behalf of my colleagues. These questions are hostile and amount to what I would call a shakedown.

HAYWARD

I don't know what a "shakedown" is.

BARTON

What do you mean?

HAYWARD

What is it? What's a shakedown?

BARTON

I don't know either. I'm just trying to blame the president for this somehow.

STUPAK

Look, Mr. Hayward, you must know something...

HAYWARD

I don't know that. I'm not a philosopher. What do men know?

STUPAK

You are the CEO of BP.

HAYWARD

I don't know that.

STUPAK

Yes, you do!

HAYWARD

I haven't looked at an org chart lately. Maybe I've been fired! Seems like everyone's mad at me.

WAXMAN

Everyone IS mad at you.

HAYWARD

I don't know that.

WAXMAN

You just said they were.

HAYWARD

I'm not a court transcript.

STUPAK

Mr. Hayward, is there anything that you do in fact know.

HAYWARD stands and signs.

HAYWARD

"I believe the children are our future.
Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Show them all the beauty they possess inside"

STUPAK

Isn't that a Whitney Houston song?

HAYWARD

I don't know.