HONEST BP
INT. C-SPAN Broadcast: Congressional Hearing of BP
BP CEO TONY HAYWARD sits at the witness table. REP. BART STUPAK (D), REP. HENRY WAXMAN (D), and REP. JOE BARTON (R) are questioning him.
REP. BART STUPAK (D)
Mr. Hayward, thank you for returning here to answer questions about your company's oil spill. I'll remind you that even though the United States is not currently pressing charges, that this is a hearing and you are under oath.
BP CEO TONY HAYWARD
I understand.
STUPAK
First question, in your opinion was BP irresponsible in the creation of this oil well?
HAYWARD
I do not care.
STUPAK
Excuse me? Mr. Hayward, are you admitting that BP is not concerned about this oil spill?
HAYWARD
You... you said I was under oath, right? I shouldn't lie?
STUPAK
No, but... Mr. Hayward, I'm asking you if you believe BP has
acted irresponsibly in regards to this spill?
HAYWARD
Yeah, and I'm TELLING you for the record that we are NOT. I mean, are we under oath or not? I don't get this!
STUPAK
How can you admit publicly that you don't care about the biggest oil spill in human history?
HAYWARD
I mean, I didn't want to admit it. You are guys are the ones with this "oath" nonsense.
REP. HENRY WAXMAN (D)
Mr. Stupak I have a question. Mr. Hayward, were you privy to the many reports of problems with this well BEFORE the spill?
HAYWARD
If I'm still under oath I'd like to say that you are very bald.
WAXMAN
I'm BALD?
HAYWARD
Yes. You're bald, I have hair. I bet you're jealous of me. I wouldn't say that normally but I'm under oath.
WAXMAN
Being under oath doesn't mean you just say anything you're thinking. It means you tell the truth.
HAYWARD
Well, you're very bald, that's the truth.
REP. JOE BARTON (R)
Mr. Hayward I would just like to apologize on behalf of my fellow Congressmen for these questions, which amount to what I would call a shakedown.
STUPAK
Mr. Barton, I don't think you know what a shakedown is.
BARTON
Well, if I'm under oath then I'd have to say that I think you are an ass.
STUPAK
You are not under oath.
BARTON
Then I withdraw my last statement.
STUPAK
Mr. Hayward, I'm going to ask you questions and I want you to answer them whether they interest you or not.
HAYWARD
Very well.
STUPAK
When will the spill be fixed?
HAYWARD
I'm not a technical expert and so I don't know. But even if I did I would not care as I am crazy rich.
STUPAK
Did you have access to safety reports before the accident?
HAYWARD
Yes, but I did not look at them as they bored me. Also, I don't enjoy American television.
STUPAK
Is that relevant?
HAYWARD
I don't know, but it's honest. Do you know how often they re-run Friends in England? It's ridiculous. Someone should spill oil on that.
STUPAK
On the television show Friends?
HAYWARD
Yes, sir.
STUPAK
That is definitely not relevant.
HAYWARD
I'd like to add that you have a silly sounding name. STUPAK. Middle school must have been torture for you.
STUPAK
To be honest, Mr. Hayward this testimony will likely get you in a great deal of trouble. Do you have response to that.
HAYWARD
Yes, sir. I think it's unfair that you are all so angry. We didn't cause this spill on purpose. And even though my corporate rushed this job because we are greedy, we also hurry through safety procedures because YOUR country pressures us and all oil companies to find sources of fuel that are not in the Middle East. I think that America itself must take some responsibility for this spill.
STUPAK
That is the most convoluted way of saying "it's not our fault" I have ever heard. Do you really believe what you just said?
HAYWARD
Am I still under oath now?
STUPAK
Yes!
HAYWARD
Then I have to admit that I do not understand what I just said as I read it on a Facebook blog. I retract the statement. I'll go back to just saying "I don't care."
STUPAK
This hearing is adjourned. You are no longer under oath.
HAYWARD
Really?
STUPAK
Yes.
HAYWARD
Well let me just say that my company feels terrible and is doing everything it can to repair this spill. And I like your country and (to WAXMAN) you are not bald.
STUPAK
Get out of here, jerk.