BEDBUG TORTURE
An EXTERMINATOR is speaking with a HOUSEWIFE.
HOUSEWIFE
I don't know how it happened, but we do indeed have bedbugs!
EXTERMINATOR
Could be anything. You might have gotten them on your clothes
at a movie theater, or even maybe your husband got them at work. They're back.
HOUSEWIFE
Ugh, they're just so disgusting! I HATE them! I hate them so
much.
EXTERMINATOR
Don't worry, Mrs. Sizer -- my process guarantees 100%
satisfaction.
HOUSEWIFE
That means you guarantee you can get rid of them?
EXTERMINATOR
Well, no. They're very hard to get rid of. My guarantee is
that the ones I do catch will suffer.
HOUSEWIFE
I'm not sure I understand.
EXTERMINATOR
I torture them. I hate bedbugs as much as you, probably more.
They are digsuting on a visceral level. I believe they are the natural enemies
of humans and therefore it is my moral right to inflict pain upon them.
HOUSEWIFE
So you kill them in a painful way?
EXTERMINATOR
Sometimes. But more often I round them up and bring them back
to my lair. I tie each of them up to tiny slabs of cement and then bind
their hairy legs with tiny manacles. From there I'll starve them, or maybe try
them with a magnifying glass. Sometimes I'll waterboard them.
HOUSEWIFE
But.. there's hundreds, maybe thousands of tem.
EXTERMINATOR
My home is a vast estate with hundreds of rooms, nearly all
devoted to the torture of bedbugs. Plus I had a basement labryinth installed.
HOUSEWIFE
I just want the bugs gone from my house.
EXTERMINATOR
Every bug I catch I will remove from your premises, don't you
worry. And then I'm make them sorry they came here. I'll separate bedbug
children from their bedburg parents. I'll put a few bedbugs in a jar with
limited food and watch them devour each other. I put them on masking tape and
then strap that tape to a washing machine so they get their shit for-real
freaked out.
HOUSEWIFE
Torturing animals is one of the most reliable signs of being
a sociopath.
EXTERMINATOR
But I only tortue bedbugs, ma'am! Never dogs or cats or any
mammals. Never any other insects! If I find a cockroach I carry it outside and
set it free. But a bedbug I tie tiny anvils to its thorax and drop it in a
fishtank.
HOUSEWIFE
How much do you charge?
EXTERMINATOR
One dollar.
HOUSEWIFE
Okay, give it a shot.
Yep!