NO DECISIONS
A WAITER waits on a MAN at a dinner table in a fine
restaurant.
WAITER
So have you decided what you'd like, sir?
MAN
I have.
WAITER
Excellent, what can I get for you?
MAN
Well, there's so many options here that what we need to do is
to compress -- to select just a few key appetizers and entrees that really
define a particular meal.
WAITER
Yes, okay. So which appetizer would you like?
MAN
Something optimisitc. Something that really heralds the
coming of a great meal.
WAITER
Um, would that be the mozzarella sticks?
MAN
Good heavens no. Mozzarella sticks are anything but
optimistic. They're the epitome of giving up!
WAITER
I really need you to pick something specific.
MAN
Of course. Then I pick... something
one notch better than the clam chowder.
WAITER
So not the clam chowder?
MAN
No, but something very close to that. Verrrry close.
WAITER
The potato skins?
MAN
The potato skins? That's ridiculous! Those are the LAST
things I'd order!
WAITER
Sir, it's difficult for me to know what item matches up with
what you want. I need a specific hard-core choice.
MAN
That's fair. My hard-core specific choices is... a type of
food that has a deliberate flavor but isn't trying too hard.
WAITER
The creamed corn?
MAN
No. That's an emotionally deadening food. I would hardly
describe it as food.
WAITER
Fine, I'll name some foods and you tell me what sounds right.
Fried oysters,
broccoli salad, pork dumplings...
MAN
Ah! Pork dumplings!
WAITER
Pork dumplings!
MAN
...is the right emotional tone but not quite it.
WAITER
Bouillabase, minature tacos, cheese plate...
MAN
Cheese plate!
WAITER
Excellent!
MAN
...is the correct disposition but not that right shape.
WAITER
Sir! Please! You must decide!
MAN
Granola and yogurt!
WAITER
Done!
MAN
...will never do! I'll have tomato soup!
WAITER
Fine!
MAN
...except that I will NOT be having that!
WAITER
Sir!
MAN
I can't decide!
WAITER
Okay! Get the bread basket! The bread basket!
MAN
I'll do it! I'll do it!
WAITER
Fine.
MAN
It's on you if I don't like it.
WAITER
I accept that non-responsibility from you and in return give
you a judgmental stare.
OUT.