SPECIAL SKILLS

An ACTOR is at an audition, standing in front of a CASTING DIRECTOR.

CASTING DIRECTOR

Excellent read on that monologue.

ACTOR

Thank you.

CASTING DIRECTOR

Do you have any special skills?

ACTOR

Yes.

At parties, when there's a lull in conversation and everyone falls quiet, I always know a question to ask the host that will unobtrusively start the chatter again. Like "Paula, is there any more ginger ale?"

I can change a tire on a car. I can  drive stick shift. I also know where to look on the dashboard gas gauge to see which side the tank is on.

I know how to quickly open a Bible to either Psalms or the Gospel of Matthew.

I can usually find the unknown gem of a song on any album just by looking at the track listing and that's because that type of song is usually number nine.

I can reset the clock on all major computer operating systems (Windows, Mac, Unix).

I can summarize the basic template of a Sherlock Holmes story.

I can do basic arithmetic in a number system that has 16 digits instead of just 10.

I can play "The Maple Leaf Rag" on the piano. Also an abbreviated form of the them to "Chariots of Fire."

I can tie the following tie-knots: Windsor, half-Windsor, four-in-hand and Prince Albert.

CASTING DIRECTOR

How about a bow tie?

ACTOR

No.

CASTING DIRECTOR

We don't need you.