THE INTERROGATION
A COP is interrogating a SUSPECT in an interrogation room at
a police station. Harsh light overhead, spartan table made of hard plastic.
COP
All right, scumbag here's a few questions for you: what do
you know about Monica Spooner?
SUSPECT
Nothing. Let me ask YOU a question: if you could cook
one thing well, what would it be.
COP
No one's ever asked me a question before. If I could cook one
thing well it would be chicken teriyaki. I know it's simple to do, but I had a
dish of it once at a dinner theater in Akron, Ohio that was so good I still
think about it -- this was like five years ago. I don't know if it was just
because I was hungry -- no, I think it was really good. I wish I knew how to
make chicken teriyaki the way that dinner theater did it. I'm actually a good
cook. I make a nice risoto. I can bake pies.
SUSPECT
I see.
COP
No one ever asks me questions.
SUSPECT
I'm sorry.
COP
You're free to go forever.
CUT TO: A dark alley. The same COP has interrupted a MUGGER
robbing a WOMAN. The COP has a gun pointed at the MUGGER who has a gun pointed
at the WOMAN.
COP
Drop the gun!
MUGGER
Let me ask you something: if there were a movie of your life
and the director decided to have just one band be the soundtrack what would i
be?
COP
Ooooh, great question! The Kinks is too easy. I'd say They
Might Be Giants but that would get so tiresome after like five songs. Liz Phair
doesn't have enough good stuff. I think I'd do XTC.
MUGGER
Why them?
COP
Skylarking is a beautiful album. There's a decent mixture of
moods. "Earn Enough for Us" is upbeat and catchy. "Grass" is contented and
groovy.
MUGGER
I see.
COP
Thank you for asking. You're free to go forever.
WOMAN
What?
CUT TO: A COURTOOM. The COP is testifying to a LAWYER. A
JUDGE watches, so does a SUSPECTED ROBBER.
LAWYER
So let me ask you a question, did you actually see my client
near the jewelry store that was robbed?
COP
Yes, I did.
SUSPECTED ROBBER
Now let ME ask you a question: If you could have directed one
movie in your life, what would that movie be?
COP
Oooh, fun! I'd pick a well-crafted movie that wasn't
something in the canon of "respected movies." An unappreciated gem. War Games,
maybe. Or even 16 Blocks.
SUSPECTED ROBBER
I see.
COP
You're free to go forever.
JUDGE
You don't have the authority to free him. And the accused
should not be asking questions.
COP
Your honor, you are also free to go.
JUDGE
Thank you.
The JUDGE leaves. The fabric of reality disintegrates here.