THE INTERROGATION

A COP is interrogating a SUSPECT in an interrogation room at a police station. Harsh light overhead, spartan table made of hard plastic.

COP

All right, scumbag here's a few questions for you: what do you know about Monica Spooner?

SUSPECT

Nothing. Let me ask YOU a question:  if you could cook one thing well, what would it be.

COP

No one's ever asked me a question before. If I could cook one thing well it would be chicken teriyaki. I know it's simple to do, but I had a dish of it once at a dinner theater in Akron, Ohio that was so good I still think about it -- this was like five years ago. I don't know if it was just because I was hungry -- no, I think it was really good. I wish I knew how to make chicken teriyaki the way that dinner theater did it. I'm actually a good cook. I make a nice risoto. I can bake pies.

SUSPECT

I see.

COP

No one ever asks me questions.

SUSPECT

I'm sorry.

COP

You're free to go forever.

CUT TO: A dark alley. The same COP has interrupted a MUGGER robbing a WOMAN. The COP has a gun pointed at the MUGGER who has a gun pointed at the WOMAN.

COP

Drop the gun!

MUGGER

Let me ask you something: if there were a movie of your life and the director decided to have just one band be the soundtrack what would i be?

COP

Ooooh, great question! The Kinks is too easy. I'd say They Might Be Giants but that would get so tiresome after like five songs. Liz Phair doesn't have enough good stuff. I think I'd do XTC.

MUGGER

Why them?

COP

Skylarking is a beautiful album. There's a decent mixture of moods. "Earn Enough for Us" is upbeat and catchy. "Grass" is contented and groovy.

MUGGER

I see.

COP

Thank you for asking. You're free to go forever.

WOMAN

What?

CUT TO: A COURTOOM. The COP is testifying to a LAWYER. A JUDGE watches, so does a SUSPECTED ROBBER.

LAWYER

So let me ask you a question, did you actually see my client near the jewelry store that was robbed?

COP

Yes, I did.

SUSPECTED ROBBER

Now let ME ask you a question: If you could have directed one movie in your life, what would that movie be?

COP

Oooh, fun! I'd pick a well-crafted movie that wasn't something in the canon of "respected movies." An unappreciated gem. War Games, maybe. Or even 16 Blocks.

SUSPECTED ROBBER

I see.

COP

You're free to go forever.

JUDGE

You don't have the authority to free him. And the accused should not be asking questions.

COP

Your honor, you are also free to go.

JUDGE

Thank you.

The JUDGE leaves. The fabric of reality disintegrates here.