MY FATHER EXPLAINS THE BAILOUT

TITLE: MY FATHER EXPLAINS THE BAILOUT

DAD steps into a spotlight.

DAD

Here's what it is: you screw up and don't pay your bills and then some guy comes along and just gives you money, then guess what? You're still not gonna pay your bills. I mean, why should you? You know you got this guy!

DAD awkwardly puts both hands in his front jeans pockets. He rocks back and forth.

DAD

It's the same as with anything. Let's say you tell some kid "No swearing or you don't get dessert." Okay? And then he swears, and you give him dessert anyway! Guess what? He's gonna keep swearing! Right? I mean, why not?

DAD looks around the room.

DAD

Did you put up this wallpaper yourself? I used to do that but I tell you, I drove myself crazy. I could not tolerate seams.

DAD walks a few steps to the right. There is a second spotlight illuminating a dresser drawer. He starts compulsively rolling and compacting his socks.

DAD

I get like, not wanting banks to fail. Especially big ones that are like loaning money to other countries. But these executives should not get ONE DOLLAR. Here's what he should have said "Sure, you can have the bailout. IF YOU FIRE EVERYONE IN CHARGE." Or even just the board of directors. How many banks are too big to fail then? Not too many I'm guessing!

DAD walks back to original spotlight, folds his arms and with his right hand drums his left arm.

DAD

The bank screwed up? Bye bye bank!

DAD unfolds his arms. He walks over to a sink. Pours a glass of water. Drinks while looking out a window.

DAD

I could have stacked that wood better.

DAD faces the audience again.

DAD

I get protecting individual accounts. But this bailout crap? Forget it.

BLACKOUT