WHICH PET

A MAN approaches a PET STORE OWNER.

MAN

Yo get me a pet.

PET STORE OWNER

How about a cat sir?

MAN

Nah, that shit'll make me look too gay.

PET STORE OWNER

Dog?

MAN

No way, I'll look like I'm trying to prove I'm a man too much. Next!

PET STORE OWNER

Fish.

MAN

I'll look power hungry.

PET STORE OWNER

Bird?

MAN

What am I, 100?

PET STORE OWNER

Hamster

MAN

I'm no pervert and I am also not a child.

PET STORE OWNER

Pot-bellied pig?

MAN

Do I look like a yuppie woman from 1992?

PET STORE OWNER

Snake?

MAN

Am I a Biblical metaphor?

PET STORE OWNER

Ant farm.

MAN

Excuse me, I am not a scientist. I want a pet.

PET STORE OWNER

There's only one more pet I have to offer.

MAN

What is that?

PET STORE OWNER

Man.

MAN

Man?

PET STORE OWNER

The only pet I have to offer you is a human being.

MAN

I'll take it. How often do I have to feed it?

BLACKOUT