HAPPY TONE, SAD WORDS

A PERKY WOMAN sits at the receptionist's desk. A MAN approaches.

MAN

Hello, Jean.

PERKY WOMAN

Hi Jerry!

MAN

I have to step out, would you mind taking any messages?

PERKY WOMAN

I wouldn't mind at all!

MAN

Great, thanks. Do I look okay?

PERKY WOMAN

You look great!

MAN

You can be honest.

PERKY WOMAN

You look ... old!

MAN

Come again?

PERKY WOMAN

You look really old! You look like you've been sad for a long time, or maybe that you live in a room filled with smoke!

MAN

Smoke?

PERKY WOMAN

Yeah! Like you're jaundiced!

MAN

I guess I could use some sun.

PERKY WOMAN

It wouldn't really matter! You carry with you an aura of sadness!

MAN

Wow.

PERKY WOMAN

Uh huh!

MAN stares.

PERKY WOMAN

Your teeth look broken!

PERKY WOMAN

You've got a fat belly!

PERKY WOMAN

You slouch like someone who's given up!

PERKY WOMAN

Your shoes are ridiculous!

PERKY WOMAN

Sometimes I catch you looking at my boobs, but I feel sorry for you so I just let it happen!

PERKY WOMAN

You're not manly enough to be a threat!

PERKY WOMAN

You smell like ass! And decay!

PERKY WOMAN

You look like someone who's never gotten what he wanted out of life, but he's learned to live with it!

PERKY WOMAN

You smile like a rapist!

PERKY WOMAN

You dress like you've had a stroke!

PERKY WOMAN

You eat like a deranged monkey!

MAN

Okay, you can stop being honest now.

PERKY WOMAN

Have a good day!