THE DING DONG CREW

A dinner table of distinguished British guests, including Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Everyone is chattering loudly.

GUEST 1

Gentlemen, a toast! To Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, and his brilliant literary creation Mr. Sherlock Holmes. To you, Sir Doyle!

Everyone cheers. DOYLE stands up.

DOYLE

Thank you, friends! As long as I have you all here I'd like to announce that I have a new literary creation which will surpass the success of Holmes!

The crowd murmurs with great interest. DOYLE reaches down besides his chair and grabs a swath of papers.

DOYLE

Coming soon, my new creation: The Ding Dong Crew.

Silence from the table.

GUEST 2

The... Ding Dong Crew?

DOYLE

Yes, my new creation The Ding Dong Crew follows a gang of lively British youths as they travel through society, tweaking the upper class, always ending their adventures with their signature catch phrase "Ding Dong!"

GUEST 1

Well good luck Sir Doyle. I must say that I will probably keep focusing on your detective stoires.

DOYLE

I will no longer be writing Sherlock Holmes stories. Just The Ding Dong Crew.

GUEST 2

Doyle! That is stupid! Holmes is one of the greatest literary creations in British history!

DOYLE

Not as much as Spankies, the leader of the Ding Dong Crew! With his suspenders and his bucket of moss!

GUEST 3

You are making a terrible mistake!

DOYLE

Much like Elizabetts, the only girl in the Ding Dong Crew with her pet mongoose and her 14 breasts!

GUEST 1

Please just write Holmes stories.

DOYLE

I will write only one more Holmes story, and it's one where he and the Ding Dong Crew visit the Royal Palace and paint it an unflattering shade of muave. Oh you Ding Dongs!

GUEST 1

Dinner adjourned forever.

BLACKOUT