BEATEN UP BY FEIST
A CITIZEN sits at a COP'S desk in a precinct.
COP
So did the mugger take any money?
CITIZEN
Yes, my wallet. I got beaten up pretty good, too.
COP
Yeah, I see that. Can you describe the mugger?
CITIZEN
It was the lead singer of Feist.
COP
The singer? The "1,2,3,4" singer?
CITIZEN
Yeah. She beat the holy shit out of me.
COP
Isn't she, like, waif-ish?
CITIZEN
Yeah, but she punches with great precision. She shattered my
ribs, I think. And moved so fast! So fast.
COP
I advise you to not report this crime and go about your life.
CITIZEN
Why?
COP
I think it'll be too embarrassing for you. You don't want
people to know about this.
CITIZEN
You don't think you could catch her.
COP
Maybe. We might even have evidence. But then you'd have to
publicly identify her as the woman who beat you up. Your friends would not let
you live it down.
CITIZEN
I want justice!
COP
We often advise people to forget about crimes that are
embarassing. We had a guy who was held up at gun point by a girl scout. An
overweight substitute English teacher got raped by a goat.
CITIZEN
How did he get raped by a goat?
COP
I don't know, I didn't let him fill out the police report. A
lot of unsolved crimes aren't really unsolved but just kinda uncool.
CITIZEN
Wow.
COP
Like we know who killed Kennedy. It was Shari Lewis. She had
lambchop fire the sniper rifle.
CITIZEN
Actually, the Feist girl told me that.
COP
She did?! NOW we have to arrest her!
Sure.