BEATEN UP BY FEIST

A CITIZEN sits at a COP'S desk in a precinct.

COP

So did the mugger take any money?

CITIZEN

Yes, my wallet. I got beaten up pretty good, too.

COP

Yeah, I see that. Can you describe the mugger?

CITIZEN

It was the lead singer of Feist.

COP

The singer? The "1,2,3,4" singer?

CITIZEN

Yeah. She beat the holy shit out of me.

COP

Isn't she, like, waif-ish?

CITIZEN

Yeah, but she punches with great precision. She shattered my ribs, I think. And moved so fast! So fast.

COP

I advise you to not report this crime and go about your life.

CITIZEN

Why?

COP

I think it'll be too embarrassing for you. You don't want people to know about this.

CITIZEN

You don't think you could catch her.

COP

Maybe. We might even have evidence. But then you'd have to publicly identify her as the woman who beat you up. Your friends would not let you live it down.

CITIZEN

I want justice!

COP

We often advise people to forget about crimes that are embarassing. We had a guy who was held up at gun point by a girl scout. An overweight substitute English teacher got raped by a goat.

CITIZEN

How did he get raped by a goat?

COP

I don't know, I didn't let him fill out the police report. A lot of unsolved crimes aren't really unsolved but just kinda uncool.

CITIZEN

Wow.

COP

Like we know who killed Kennedy. It was Shari Lewis. She had lambchop fire the sniper rifle.

CITIZEN

Actually, the Feist girl told me that.

COP

She did?! NOW we have to arrest her!

Sure.