MAKE SOME NOISE

Will Hines

A HOST at a stand-up club is finishing up his set, but doing badly. He's about to intro the first act. Of the host types, he's "underachieving schlubby": mid-thirties doughy man with a five o'clock shadow, tucked in shirt, faded jeans with wallet sitting in a well-worn dent in his back pocket. This is all besides the point.

HOST

And when I asked her what she was doing, she said "I thought you said you liked soup!"

CROWD sits stonefaced. We see them just looking at the host, perplexed.

HOST

Hah! Well, guess you didn't like that one too much. That's okay, that's okay. Hey, you know what? let's just bring up our first comic -- you're gonna love this guy, he performs all over the city. Please welcome Richie Lyons!

CROWD claps very mildly and politely.

HOST

Hey, we can do better than that. Come on let's MAKE SOME NOISE!

CROWD makes noises. It's a cacophony of strange sounds. We cut to specific members of the audience (they all have deadpan and serious expressions) and see:

--a man oinking

--a woman slapping her own forehead with loud pronounced smacks

--a man whapping his palms on his chest

--a woman hissing

--a man repeating "BEEP BEEP BEEP! BEEP BEEP BEEP!"

--a woman crashing two cymbals

--a man doing native american grunts and bellowing

HOST

What? No, not like that. Like, let's really get into it. Let me hear some screaming!

CROWD uniformly does a low uninterrupted drone-yell, like a "nyaaaaaaaaaaaaaah" as if they were imitating the low note on a Moog keyboard.

HOST

No, not like that. Like, let's have some people go "Woo!"

Members of the crowd each start saying the exclamation "Woo!" in am emphatic but unimpassioned way.

HOST

Okay, but, like, clap and say "Woo!"

The crowd claps mildly and timidly, like a quiet rain. They are still saying "Woo!" now and then, but it sounds like a weird interruption, not excited.

HOST

No, like, I mean, let's go nuts for this guy!

Audience members imitate mentally insane people.

--One has tucked his arms into a blazer like it's a straightjacket and is jumping up and down.

--A woman is trying to eat her hair with a wild-eyed expression

--A man is crying quietly and rubbing his face

--A man is pointing at visions around his head and saying "there! and there! they're talking to me!"

When we see the host again, he has somehow gotten a prepared chart on an easel out. On the easel are written in big letters these steps:

1. BED OF CLAPPING

2. SOME YELL 'YEAH!'

3. SOME 'WOO!'

4. TWO WOMEN SCREECH

HOST

No, okay, I"m sorry, I should have been more specific. Here are the noises I'd like you to make. Let's have, one, a nice bed of applause.

We hear the crowd applaud in a businesslike consistent way.

HOST

Okay, good! Now, let's have maybe 3 of you just yell the word 'Yeah!' but with very gruff approval!

We see a serious man yell "YEAH!" properly. We hear two others different people yell 'YEAH!'

HOST

Great! Now, let's get maybe 3 others saying 'Woo!' but not just saying it, more of a quick yelp, like you're barking it.

We see a man yell 'Woo!' in a traditional style. Two others are happening off camera. The YEAHs are continuing!

The easel is somehow been placed neatly back against the wall out of the way.

HOST

Yes! that's it. Now, let's have one woman every now and then just screech for about one and half second, followed by intervals of five second rests.

A woman screeches, then starts counting to five. Then she screeches again. She looks pleased with herself.

HOST

Great, great! That's it! Okay, going forward, when I saw "Make Some Noise!" this is what I want! Now keep on making these specific noises as we see your first comic, Richie Lyons!

HOST leaves. RICHIE LYONS, a defeated looking man in his late-thirties with a goatee and a dark, slimming shirt on, comes out.

RICHIE

Hey folks, thanks. How we doing tonight?

CROWD answers in unison. "Fine" and then stops making noise.

RICHIE

(considers)

Are you guys... aliens?

We cut to the crowd. They make an expression of surprise at being found out. They one by one glow and vanish back to their home planets in flashes of lights.

A CLOSE-UP shot of RICHIE LYONS

RICHIE

(too himself)

Cool. I got to perform for aliens.