Dear Commissioner,

With the professional basketball season now well underway and the New York Knicks off to yet another mediocre start, I would like to call attention to a matter of the most pressing urgency: Patrick Ewing.

Patrick Ewing is a weak, overrated has-been whose late-game impotence is as predictable as his own perennial guarantee of a title. That New Yorkers have had to endure the constant reshuffling of supporting cast members in vain is but one indication that the Knickerbocker's "franchise player" will never lead the team to a championship.

If New York is to garner even a glimmer of hope for playoff glory in the foreseeable future, there is but one solution: ban Ewing from the Knicks.

To say that Ewing lacks the mental resolve and talent of a team leader is an understatement. Ewing's "leadership" was clearly demonstrated during the Knick's inglorious 1997 season ending debacle with the Miami Heat. What started as an emotionally charged playoff game turned into bedlam as the New York bench pounced onto the court in one of the most revolting brawls in N.B.A. history. It was all Ewing could do to not jump into the fray himself, let alone have the composure and character to enforce the comparative restraint of the Miami players.

The resulting suspensions were well deserved, but even at their best, the Knicks are sorely lacking talent at the center position. What are we to make of a player whose guarantees of victory so consistently remain unfulfilled (most recently, game 7 of the 1997 Miami playoff series)? The trained eye, attuned to Ewing's play, can all too easily decipher his early-game power dunks, primal screams, and arm-raising cheerleading as empty gestures of faux dominance. Additionally, his late-game impersonation of the invisible man invariably seems to be at its most convincing when facing quality opposition.

The recent re-signing of Ewing to a multi-year multi-million dollar contract makes it apparent that the dementia of Knicks management is all but complete. Are we really supposed to believe Ewing's promise of "2 or 3" championships before he retires?

It is with humble consideration therefore, that I submit to you, David Stern, commissioner of the National Basketball Association, my request for the immediate intervention of your office in this most dire of circumstances.

For the love of God, ban Patrick Ewing from the New York Knicks.

Prohibit him from being within a 2-mile radius of Madison Square Garden. Better still, ban him from New York city limits all together. In fairness to other franchises, a similar ban from all N.B.A. sporting complexes may be the best solution to ending the Ewing reign of unfulfillment.

Although nothing less than a lifetime ban on Ewing would suffice, the merits of banning others on a more restrained basis are compelling. The prospect of losing playing time and money could be a powerful deterrent to players content with taking home their million dollar endorsement and playing contracts without a championship ring.

Justice should be swift and unmerciful: If a player misses 10 shots in a row, ban him for 5 games without pay. This is a professional basketball league, Mr. Stern, not some backyard pick-up game.

As a more concrete example, in Game 1 of the 1997 NBA Finals, MVP Karl Malone missed not one, but two key free throws in the closing seconds of a tied game. The resulting last second attempt by the opposing team culminated in the game-winning shot. This unabashed mocking of the MVP crown deserved a stern rebuke: Karl Malone should have been stripped of the MVP title and banned from further post-season play.

Lesser infractions by the N.B.A. elite should also be dealt with harshly. Dennis Rodman feels like extending his technical foul streak to 12 games? Ban him, and his hair, for 13 games. John Starks decides to flip off the away crowd? Ban him from using the offending hand for 15 games. Charles Barkley concludes it's O.K. to spit on fans? Ban his mouth from being open on N.B.A. premises for 3 months.

Banning practices need not be restricted to players alone. Want to see the most competitive N.B.A. Finals ever? Ban the losing team from post-season play for one year.

I urge you commissioner, give this league a much-needed swift boot to the rear: implement banning and banish Patrick Ewing from the league.

cc: Bradford Contemporary,
Spite Magazine