Sal Reiner, Foxboro,Mass-Just can't take it anymore.
Go back, if you'd like.
If the reports are accurate (a big if, I'll grant you), apparently everyone north of Virginia is acting like God's holding a big magnifying glass between them and the sun. So many people in Long Island were cranking up the air conditioning that the power went out. People in New York city are giving keen observations as to the nature of the problem ("I'm sweatin' mad, yo." was one astute insight) and promptly turning loose the fire hydrants. All over, from Boston to Philly, from New York to Maine, people can find little else to do but bitch about the heat. People in DC and New York have gone so far as to die from it.
Well by God I say enough's enough. Shut up already. You sure as hell love to send camera crews down and laugh at us when it snows, so turn about is fair play. I've heard the snickers every time some hick from Alabama slides the El Camino into a ditch on an icy road (OK, I laugh at that myself), I've listened to the incredulous comments when we shut down school because it might snow. I've even heard the chortling when the slack-jawed locals make a run on the grocery stores every time there's a flake in the air; even though the last time anyone ever got snowed in in the Carolinas, people were eating Mastodons. That's right, we can't handle the cold. I admit it. But we don't make a national event out of it.
So if I have to sit and listen to you sissies whine about 95 degree temperatures I can damn sure make fun of you about it. First off, you guys don't know what heat is. If somebody from Arizona or New Mexico wants to talk heat, fine. It's dry heat, but 110 will burn your ass up whether it's humid or not. Heat is three months straight of 90% humidity with 105 degree temperatures. Heat is having to drive around with no AC in your car while your cassette tapes melt. Let me tell you something, I used to work summers at Carowinds, a local theme park. With 400 acres of asphalt, 20,000 people milling around, and no shade for four months, you learn heat. It was so fucking hot that the asphalt would start sticking to your shoes as it melted. Try dealing with that as a 300 lb woman with a "You Can't Touch This" T-shirt demands to know why she can't ride the kiddy swings. That's heat, not this 90 degree warming spell you're going through.
Sure, 90 degrees is hot, whether you're in Biloxi or Camden, NJ, so yeah, I'm sure you're breaking a sweat. Try to adjust though, it's only for a few months. Relax, try to not get so worked up about it. Take some lessons from us, slow down. You think the pace of life is slow in South because we're lazy? Hell no, we've just got more sense than trying to run around in 100 degree weather. That's nature's way of saying, "take your coat off, sit a spell." So quit running around like Baptists in Las Vegas. Slow down. While you're at it, stop talking about it as much. They've even come up with a new heat phrase, the "heat index." This allows people to make it sound hotter than it is. "Sure, the thermometer says it was 92 degrees outside, but the heat index is up to 130!" Please, that's like us using the wind chill factor here.
To sum up, get a drink of water, quit bitchin' about the heat, stop dying from it, and beat to death any reporters you find. In other words....chill.
James Williamson once turned down Hillary Clinton who was looking to revenge-fuck on Bill during their retreat to Hilton Head.
Or read James' first article.
Still going....