We used to call these things "500 word rants" but that got old.
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Rasherfrashersnasher by Chris Sharp
What I want to know is ... why the fuck doesn't anyone know about Dick
Dastardly and Mutley anymore? All these kids are being brought up on Power
Rangers and Teletubbies, and there's no pigeons, no Penelope Pitstop... no
nothing... Is there any better imagery for life than wacky races? They were
pointless, petty, violent never-ending races that were the scene of every kind of
back-stabbing and duplicity, full of totally insane, gibbering animals and
Americans in fantastically over-powered cars -- what is it with the world
and cars anyway? Go to any eastern European country and see the wonders of
a fully-functional public transport system. I've been in Hungary,
Poland, Russia, and they all have trains that are clean and run on time, and
buses that cost pennies to ride, and they go EVERYWHERE. I went to
America and if you didn't have a car, you couldn't have a life.
Want to shop? Drive 8 miles. And I was in what they called a
city -- randomly selected bunch of large-shed-architectured shitholes is
more like it. Anyway, so let's all drive cars to get a video, drive all day
in a thing 12 times our size and 40 times our weight that rapes the world for
metal and fuel, and let's ride in it all by ourselves rather than give other people a
lift, and let's have ones that go twice as fast as the speed limit, so if we hit
someone we can be sure they die, and we don't have to live with
turning someone into a cabbage, and let's design our world so that we have
to drive everywhere. America, I'm talking to you here, you and your
shopping malls, and your multiplex cinemas -- let's see, instead of going to
see a film in a gorgeous, vibrant and luxurious art-house cinema, let's go and see
the latest Sly movie in a shoebox cinema, but it's better cause it has THX, yeah
rrrrrrrrrIGHT. So let's kill the planet, sure beats the hell out of
conversation. Back to Mutley, and why the hell did Dastardly stick
with Mutley when Mutley made him lose EVERY single race? Well, fair enough,
Mutley had the finest laugh in existence, but still... I think the sexual subtext of
this series has been terrifically understated. We all know that Dastardly
bossed Mutley about, but I think we all can guess who the dominant one in bed
was. NOW we know where that wicked laugh came from -- and I still
think Penelope Pitstop had a group thing going with the Ant Hill Mob or
whatever they were called. Either that or she was a fantastic tease.
Some people say that Tom and Jerry make kids violent. So when was the last
time you saw a kid electrocute a cat with a toasting fork? They say the
Teletubbies teach kids to talk babble. So what does grandma saying
kootchie-kootchie-koo do? Seven words left - you are all dead.
Chris Sharp (joker@globalnet.co.uk) had an awful time visiting America but studies its literature at his British university, anyway. He uses the word "marmalade" in casual conversation.
What I want to know is ... why the fuck doesn't anyone know about Dick
Dastardly and Mutley anymore? All these kids are being brought up on Power
Rangers and Teletubbies, and there's no pigeons, no Penelope Pitstop... no
nothing... Is there any better imagery for life than wacky races? They were
pointless, petty, violent never-ending races that were the scene of every kind of
back-stabbing and duplicity, full of totally insane, gibbering animals and
Americans in fantastically over-powered cars -- what is it with the world
and cars anyway? Go to any eastern European country and see the wonders of
a fully-functional public transport system. I've been in Hungary,
Poland, Russia, and they all have trains that are clean and run on time, and
buses that cost pennies to ride, and they go EVERYWHERE. I went to
America and if you didn't have a car, you couldn't have a life.
Want to shop? Drive 8 miles. And I was in what they called a
city -- randomly selected bunch of large-shed-architectured shitholes is
more like it. Anyway, so let's all drive cars to get a video, drive all day
in a thing 12 times our size and 40 times our weight that rapes the world for
metal and fuel, and let's ride in it all by ourselves rather than give other people a
lift, and let's have ones that go twice as fast as the speed limit, so if we hit
someone we can be sure they die, and we don't have to live with
turning someone into a cabbage, and let's design our world so that we have
to drive everywhere. America, I'm talking to you here, you and your
shopping malls, and your multiplex cinemas -- let's see, instead of going to
see a film in a gorgeous, vibrant and luxurious art-house cinema, let's go and see
the latest Sly movie in a shoebox cinema, but it's better cause it has THX, yeah
rrrrrrrrrIGHT. So let's kill the planet, sure beats the hell out of
conversation. Back to Mutley, and why the hell did Dastardly stick
with Mutley when Mutley made him lose EVERY single race? Well, fair enough,
Mutley had the finest laugh in existence, but still... I think the sexual subtext of
this series has been terrifically understated. We all know that Dastardly
bossed Mutley about, but I think we all can guess who the dominant one in bed
was. NOW we know where that wicked laugh came from -- and I still
think Penelope Pitstop had a group thing going with the Ant Hill Mob or
whatever they were called. Either that or she was a fantastic tease.
Some people say that Tom and Jerry make kids violent. So when was the last
time you saw a kid electrocute a cat with a toasting fork? They say the
Teletubbies teach kids to talk babble. So what does grandma saying
kootchie-kootchie-koo do? Seven words left - you are all dead.
