with Chris Farley gone:
John Popper Is Now the Most Likely Famous Fat Guy to Die

by Bradford Contemporary

Fans, friends, and family of the 33-year-old comedian and former Saturday Night Live star Chris Farley were saddened by his sudden, tragic death last week. However, there is one person who could view the tragedy as a sort of victory.

With Chris Farley gone, John Popper, overweight lead singer of the rock band Blues Traveler, is now the undisputed Most Likely Famous Fat Guy to Die.

"This is a big victory for me. I've lobbied hard, and now, with a little luck that has gotten Farley, God rest his soul and enormous body, out of the way -- I am finally number one," Popper might have said, if we here at Spite had asked him, which we didn't because we don't know him.

It has always been a tight race at the top of the MLFFGTD list, but in recent years some of strongest contenders fulfilled their destiny even earlier than many health experts would have predicted, leaving Popper the leading favorite.

Popper's strength as a contender springs from the incessant touring and apparent liberal drug use of his band, in addition to his large size. Popper's own admittance that he has been unsuccessful in dieting in any way or exercising at all ever, makes him a close favorite over the next most likely famous fat guy to die, Marlon Brando.

That's a big change from the mid-80's, when Popper and Brando took a back seat to heavyweight favorites Sam Kinison and Jerry Garcia. Fortunately for Popper's ranking, Kinison and Garcia didn't take too long to pass on, as this list expected. It should be noted that Marlon Brando is also a high-ranking member on the list of Celebrities Most Likely To Die Soon Who Were Once Cool But Now Seem Insane, which includes Paul McCartney and Ron Wood.

Farley's death might be an opportune time for other list members to ask for the panel which puts the list together to reconsider their position. Louie Anderson, who has lost weight in recent years, might lobby to be removed from the list entirely, as Drew Carey was this past summer.

Also, just because Popper leads the list does not mean is necessarily next to die. Other famous fat guys who died without being on top of the Famous Fat Guy list: comedian John Belushi (actor/writer/director Orson Welles was top of the list at the time), alleged rapist/film star Fatty Arbuckle, television actor Alan Hale, ("The Skipper" from Gilligan's Island) and former president William Howard Taft.

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