| Will: |
So those are the story assignments for next week. Any questions? |
| Stadley: |
Yes, exactly how long do you expect me to contribute my efforts without compensation? |
|
[door opens] |
| Kevin: |
Will -- I've got news. |
| Will: |
What do you have there, Kevin -- another letter from some ticked-off Alanis Morisette fan? |
| Kevin: |
It's not that. Brian is coming out of retirement. |
| |
| |
[long pause] |
| |
| Will: |
He's WHAT? |
| Kevin: |
He's coming back. I've got his letter right here. |
| Bradford: |
Hah! That's hysterical! |
| Will: |
[voice escalates] How can he "come back"? He just left LAST WEEK! We devoted the WHOLE ISSUE to him! |
| Kevin: |
I don't know what to tell you. I'm just telling you what the letter says. |
| Bradford: |
Hey, Will -- I think I'LL retire. Can I have an issue devoted to me? |
| Will: |
Shut up, Bradford. Kevin, what about his whole Lawn Darts thing? |
| Kevin: |
Says there's a lock-out and he can't play. |
| Will: |
Don't you need a league to have a lock-out? |
| Kevin: |
He also says he hasn't been happy with what the magazine has been doing since he left. |
| Will: |
But he just left LAST FREAKING WEEK! |
| Stadley: |
I have a question. Who is this Brian person? |
| Kevin: |
Writer. Left last week. |
| Stadley: |
Pity. Still, there's no sense crying over spilt milk... |
| Kevin: |
Especially since he came back. |
| Stadley: |
Fascinating. |
| Will: |
I mean, this is so "youngest brother" of him, you know? [in a high squeaky voice] "Oooh, look at me. I'm the youngest. I didn't get enough attention just being born -- I'm going to retire and come back in one week." Typical. |
| Stadley: |
You know, this "retirement" is an intriguing concept. I believe I may consider retirement. |
| Bradford: |
Who would notice? You haven't written anything in 14 months! |
| Will: |
Well, I'll tell you one thing: it will be a cold, cold day in Hell by the time I let Brian write anything for this magazine. |
| Kevin: |
Why? What's the harm? No one reads this thing anyway. |
| Will: |
Still, it's the principle of the thing. We can't let ourselves be made fools of, especially by our own staff. From this point, forward, Brian NO LONGER WRITES FOR THIS MAGAZINE. He wanted to retire? I'll MAKE him retire. END OF DISCUSSION. HE'S GONE. |
| |
|
[pause] |
| |
| Bradford: |
[quietly] What a dick. |
| Kevin: |
[quietly] Yup. Very older brother. |
| Will: |
Now, what do we have for next week? |
| |
|
[long pause] |
| |
| Will: |
Nothing? How about that "prunes" piece you've been talking about, Stadley? |
| Stadley: |
Still conducting research, though I am more determined than ever to expose... |
| Will: |
Whatever. Bradford? |
| Bradford: |
Too tired, dude. I'm quitting coffee. |
| Will: |
[sighs] Kevin, how about you? |
| Kevin: |
Well, I've got this letter from Brian. |
| |
|
[yet another pause] |
| |
| Will: |
Oh, hell -- just run that. |
| Kevin: |
But I thought you said he'd never write for us... |
| Will: |
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Beggars can't be choosers. Run that baby. Don't tell him what I said about "youngest brothers," okay? I feel bad. |
| Stadley: |
I have an announcement to make:
I'm retiring. |
| |
|
[tape ends] |
