To Samuel Barks,

After reading your seemingly incessant babble about daylight savings time, time zones, and seasons, I stopped and realized "Hey, he's right!" What's more, Mr. Barks, I have the perfect solution for you. Everyone in the United States of America should move to Indiana. If we could somehow cram everyone into that vast cornfield, say one person per stalk of corn, the problem might just be solved. You see, Indiana has so many damn farmers that they all got together and decided they didn't need no stinking daylight savings time. Mistakenly, I am pursuing my undergraduate education there so half of the year, when I call my family in Cincinnati, Ohio, they are on my time, and half of the year they are one hour ahead. I have been trying to get them to move across state lines for three years now! As an added benefit, if everyone in the entire country relocated to hoosier land, there might just be enough people to establish a decent city, complete with night life, and real sports teams. It's nothing personal, but I just don't get that warm fuzzy feeling watching Reggie Miller's ears flap around after he's drained a three that is ALMOST good enough to get his team to the finals. We could probably just knock Indianapolis right off the map, put up our own city, and replace the Pacers and Indy car racing with baseball, football, and hockey.

I figure, with enough people, we could actually construct a mountain range bordering the west side of the state to eliminate the constant winds produced by hundreds of miles of flat ground, and carrying a mild manure smell if the season is right. Skiing in Indiana? You ain't seen nothin' yet!

Jeremy Wacksman