Spite: I Hate Alanis Morissette

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I Hate Alanis Morissette
by Bradford Contemporary
Editor, Spite Magazine
December 10, 1996

Let me be perfectly frank here: I would rather be chained to a cheetah and dragged through a street of knives than listen to another Alanis Morissette song. What I feel for her isn't simple hate, it is an all-encompassing repulsion not unlike what you might feel if you woke up to discover a four-pound cockroach using your toothbrush.

It's not just the incoherent lyrics. It's not just the forced, contrived emotion. It's that she is the most potent example I know of the rot which eats away at what little of value is left in pop music today. She is what I long ago swore to abhor: a shallow charlatan who has succeeded only because she had a smart marketing scheme.

Isn't It Ironic?
Alanis' song "Ironic" does not contain any true examples of irony. Okay, granted, EVERY singer ultimately succeeds because of a smart marketing schemes. Good call. But Alanis succeeded because of a the particular brand of marketing scheme which cheapens something very dear to me - the institution of the angry, bitter, depressed rock star.

You remember them. A few years ago, they were everywhwere. A whole crop of talented rock groups and singers became popular who were just absolutely bitter, angry humans. The Breeders, P.J. Harvey, Frank Black, Paul Westerberg, Afghan Whigs, Liz Phair, even Pearl Jam (remember, their first album was good), and more. True angry musicians have always been around, but this group was gaining serious ground commercially. They were penetrating the top ten and banishing all the awful soundtracks, the Bryan Adams comebacks, drum machines and All Else Horrible which normally dwelled there. Even Snoop Doggy Dogg and Metallica were giving a sort of angry, artistic credibility to their genres.

And what's so great about that, you ask? These twisted being's success caused the emotion I love - Spite - and its musical spawn to take over the mainstream! I no longer had to search it out in used CD bins of head shops- spiteful music was populating every radio frequency. I didn't need to talk to my lithium-dependent friends to tell me which new group from Scotland was talented in a depressed and cool sort of way, because such groups were popping up on the cover of Rolling Stone. Just a few more years, and even TV Guide would have featured Social Distortion, I swear!

But then it all went to pot. Everyone died, committed suicide, got arrested for heroin possession, or toured with Neil Young. Suddenly, sadly, everything was Green Day, and then just as quickly, it all became much, much worse: Alanis. For a closer look at a truly spiteful songwriter, check out this issue's History piece.

You see, she's not angry. She's just loud. Or even if she is angry, she isn't enough of an artist to truly express it. She too busy trying to LOOK angry to spend any time actually being that way.

How do I know? Look at the facts.

One, she has yet to write a song on her own. Every one of her songs on "Jagged Little Pill" is "co-written" with PRODUCER Glen Ballard, who also received the first thank you from Alanis in the liner notes. Hey, I'd thank him too, if he gave me five top ten hits. HE'S the one who should be gone down upon in a theater, Alanis! Hello!

Number two, her lyrics are incoherent. What exactly, is the point of "Ironic?" ("It's a traffic jam, when you're already late, a no smoking sign on your cigarette break") That bad stuff happens? The only ironic thing about that song is that when she says "death-row pardon," I thought she said "death-row hard-on," which is a lot more ironic, and a lot funnier than anything else in the song. In an interview with the webzine cupcake, Alanis admitted to admiring fellow mediocre Canadian Alan Thicke.

Number three, Alanis was, just three years ago, the cheesiest, most cliché DANCE MUSIC QUEEN that ever was - in her native land, Canada. Drum machines, big hair - you name it. They called her the "Canadian Tiffany." (ouch) That is until, she, or perhaps her agent, "decided" to become a lot more independent- just like everyone else was doing!

Actual quote from same interview:
Reporter: The auditorium is packed with thousands of your fans screaming your name. Alanis, what's going through your head while this is going on?
Alanis: Not much.
Number four, and this might be the most damning evidence of all, but since Alanis is a native of Canada, it means she is, in fact, CANADIAN, and therefore banned from being cool by natural law. Not to generalize, but absolutely everyone from Canada is furiously boring. No exceptions.

What's even worse, is Alanis' success has helped propogate a long, sorry roster of timid spirits dirtied up to look mean from the prom market. Courtney, Eddie, Weiland, Gavin, and that No Doubt chick: You're all trying just a little too hard, and you're all coming off like sheep in wolfs' clothing for it.

Aaaaargh! It eats at my guts just thinking about it! I realize now that I am ready to say what I once would never have thought possible, and it's this:

I WOULD RATHER OWN A MICHAEL BOLTON ALBUM THAN ONE BY ALANIS MORRISSETTE!

No! No! I take it back! I couldn't! Dear God, what am I saying?

Maybe Kenny Loggins? Aaaaah! (spit!) No! Of course, not!

Ah! I know! How could I not have seen it before? It's true:

I WOULD RATHER OWN A JOHN TESH ALBUM THAN ONE BY ALANIS MORRISSETTE! YES! IT'S TRUE! HEAVEN AS MY WITNESS, IT'S TRUE!

Seriously. At least Tesh doesn't have any pretensions of being cool. He's not being marketed as an angry, smack-shooting rebel. He's a boring loser, and that's how he is portrayed.

You see, honesty gains my respect, and for it I will be open minded. Don't believe me? Consider this: Though I am a devout fan of the National Basketball Association, I recently, without being under the influence of any artificial stimulants, purchased tickets to see the NEW JERSEY NETS. Now THAT'S open-minded. Because the Nets suck. Sucky Nets Logo

But the Nets know they suck. They suck in front of everyone, almost every night. Everyone talks about it. It is a good, honest sucking, and not one you have to be ashamed of, because it is widely accepted as an inarguable truth.

Not so with Alanis. Everyone is pretending that she is an angry young woman, an independent mind to be admired and a free spirit to be emulated. Maybe - if you're trying to cash in on what was genuinely great in your chosen field the year before. But not if you actually want to be a scowling, bile-swilling teller of truth.

Why not Liz Phair, God? Why not Kim Deal? Or the Throwing Muses? Why has this ruse of an"artist" propped up by a good voice and vile marketing scheme risen above all the rest? Why do you tease us with this unsatisfying shadow of what was promised us just a few months ago?

Alas, it is not for us to solve this riddle, but simply to try and grapple with its awful consequences. Ironic. Or at least, Alanis would say it was.

Editor Bradford Contemporary listens to only five groups in popular music but likes to talk about all of them.

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Number two, her lyrics are incoherent. What exactly, is the point of "Ironic?" ("It's a traffic jam, when you're already late, a no smoking sign on your cigarette break") That bad stuff happens? The only ironic thing about that song is that when she says "death-row pardon," I thought she said "death-row hard-on," which is a lot more ironic, and a lot funnier than anything else in the song.	In an interview with the webzine cupcake, Alanis admitted to admiring fellow mediocre Canadian Alan Thicke.
Number three, Alanis was, just three years ago, the cheesiest, most cliché DANCE MUSIC QUEEN that ever was - in her native land, Canada. Drum machines, big hair - you name it. They called her the "Canadian Tiffany." (ouch) That is until, she, or perhaps her agent, "decided" to become a lot more independent- just like everyone else was doing!