Spite: Lighten Up, Francis.

Lighten Up,
Francis.

How Can You NOT Own A TV?
by Carla Rhodes

"My real name is Francis. But if any one of you homos calls me Francis...I'll kill you."
"Lighten up, Francis."

- from the movie Stripes.

I've realized through the years, I have very little patience for pompous, holier-than-thou, isn't-my-opinion- just-so-important people. Listen folks, you're not as important as you think. The rest of us know it - why don't you just simmer down and chill a bit?

I don't think anything I have an opinion on will ever make a difference in anyone's life, excluding possibly my children, if I ever have any. Okay, maybe my cats. You know, telling them to go with the fish flavor this week, or maybe chicken. Or maybe suggesting which flea collar is better.

I don't think anything I have an opinion on will ever make a difference in anyone's life, excluding possibly my children, if I ever have any. Okay, maybe my cats. You know, telling them to go with the fish flavor this week, or maybe chicken.

Certainly, the general pubic at large is safe from anything that I think. I like it that way, and I think the general public would agree. But I also hold everyone else to the same standard. I certainly don't care what anyone else thinks, so please don't tell me.

But everyone is always trying to tell you how to think. Or why their opinion is so important. I love when people send you stuff and then stick the initials from all their degrees on the envelope so you can understand why their opinion is so valid. So much more valid, say, than a poor schmuck who's a graduate of some state college where she probably majored in just one subject, and possibly minored in something, and only made the Dean's List once (hey- that's me!).

So, unless you've been elected to some high office, or risen high through the corporate ladder or maybe just lived a little, I think it's safe to say that the general public, myself included, don't care if mayonnaise and not mustard goes better with roast beef or if non-commercial films are better than commercial ones. Put your Ph.D., MBA, CPA back in your pocket, mister! It's got no use around here.

Also, I don't trust people who say they don't watch TV. Or say they watch only PBS. Or the Discovery Channel.

I certainly wouldn't put ANY stock in anyone who doesn't even own a television. DOESN'T OWN A TELEVISION? Now that's unAmerican! How do they get through the day without even one person asking them if they caught this or that last night? It's an immediate conversation stopper: "Did you see Kramer last night?" "No, I don't own a television." It immediately implies someone is inferior. In my book, it's the guy without the TV, but somehow he comes out on top. What's with that?

Television is cool. Television is hip. I love it. I live for every moment I am in front of my television. I'd love for Mr. Nielsen to knock on my door and take me away from all my troubles.

I also met someone who doesn't drink anything carbonated. What is with that? I can understand the Coke vs. Pepsi debate. But to cut them both out? Where's the reasoning?

Following that same line, I was once talking to this guy who told me he had just recently started getting into drinking beer. At age 40. I did consider this a little late in life, but no matter: He's arrived, he's now a part of the group, and that's all that matters.

Cool, I thought. Now we're talking. I brought up my best beer drinking stories: trip to Octoberfest in Munich, tailgating at college football games, St. Patrick's and New Year's parties, how a greasy lunch from McDonald's with a large Coke and an afternoon of Billy Crystal movies are the best cure for hangovers.

drinker?

Whoa. Back up a few paragraphs, buddy. Isn't that what we're talking about?

"Yes, yes I am," I said, trying to sound somewhat proud of my alcoholic tendencies. "Love to drink, that's me!" But I saw, clearly then, that's not where he was coming from.
So, he told me he doesn't like to drink foreign beers.
Well, that's OK. We're still in the game. I love Bud, Miller, Sam Adams, Pete's Wicked just like the best of them.

"Well, no," he said. "I only drink non-commercial American beers."
So, he told me he doesn't like to drink foreign beers. Well, that's OK. We're still in the game. I love Bud, Miller, Sam Adams, Pete's Wicked just like the best of them.

Now, this takes being difficult a little too far!

I also don't trust people who've never worked in retail or waitered. A combination is great, but only one is essential. There's something about people who have had to deal with the public at its worst and for minimum wage to boot. They've lived. They know how to smile make a person feel like they share his or her pain over a lukewarm plate of spaghetti or Gap socks that didn't ring up on sale. These, my friends, are our future leaders.

Carla Rhodes, B.A., is an editor of a community paper in northern Westchester County, N.Y., where part of her duties is writing a weekly editorial telling people how they should think.

Top

< >