Spite: The 500-Word Rant

The 500-Word Rant

FIVEHUNDREDWORDRANT
by Jane Green

(Editor's Note: Each issue, Spite features a rant of exactly 500 words from a contributing writer. Readers interested in contributing a rant can send it to Spite at whines@spitemag.com.)

Five margaritas and you seemed harmless enough you were massaging my shoulders and suddenly a hand sliding across my belly most delicious lips tongue taste and on we went for six months. That night I threw up in your bathroom three times and you offered your toothbrush and so I was fooled thinking there was some kind of soul in your furtive green eyes EYES locked thighs stroking the same rhythm three weeks later we camecomeshudderingallatonce (the first time!) then you bolted out the door because a Dinner Party requested His Majesty's Presence (but not mine) and WHO WAS that woman who touched your neck in the bar and leaned in to whisper softly and WHY couldn't you for God's sake BRING me a cup of orange juice in the morning or AT LEAST show up before 2 a.m. when you said 11 NEVER a rose not even a dandelion WE FELL ASLEEP on opposite sides of the bed but every morning you'd be curved around my back squeezing my fingers TELLING ME you were SLOOWWW you mumbled that you wanted to marry me you contemplated your NAVEL as if that whorl in your center was the answer to God's conundrum ON PAPER you were most impressive five languages four continents 32 years and one book to your name BUT behind it all the secret tabla rasa blank slate PAY NO ATTENTION TO THAT MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN! you cried and plunged between my knees again INSATIABLE you were ON THE SUBWAY PLATFORM I caught your eyes and told you I loved you but you just stood there blinking and staring into the middle distance COWARD! Too frightened to say yes I do no I don't too frightened admit it just FUCKING ADMIT IT you have no love to offer and BE DONE WASH YOUR HANDS WALK AWAY Jesusmaryandjoseph my grandmother would shout before throwing a plate at you and calling you an eejit she'd have no patience for your CHAIN YANKING but I did and kept hoping waiting writing even after you ran off to Mongolia MY MOTHER had spinal surgery and you knew and didn't write ABSOLUTE SILENCE from Beelzebub in Ulaan Baatar THIS after I folded your socks edited your copy and was so patient wet slow and unfolding for you WHAT WAS I THINKING ?!?!?! trying to grow pineapples in the Gobi Desert AND THEN YOU ANNOUNCED YOU WERE STAYING as if you were clipping your toenails YOU CAME BACK FOR A MONTH on the third week I called you and SHE answered I HAD TO LAUGH at the panic in your voice WE TALKED on the phone that night before hanging up you said I was delicious I said yes I am delicious so delicious that if you arrive on my doorstep now I'll make you a cup of tea warm with milk and sugar and unfold for you all over again despite myself I love you despite your cowardice and your eviscerating emotional autism.

MG is a free-lance writer living in New York City. Regarding the above, she says she's better now.

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