Spite presents: Brian Retires The Resignation Effective today, Brian Hines retired from Spite. The full text of his letter follows: January 20, 1999 Dear Spite Readership: This letter is to announce my retirement from Spite Magazine. Looking back at my career I'm pleased with what I've accomplished. I've written about a cartoon character, the NBA, and by writing about Matt Damon, insulted hundreds of teenage girls. I was even able to squeeze Lionel Richie into an article. In my professional opinion, I've accomplished all there is to do in the literary world, so I am walking away. It has always been my plan to leave at the top of my game. I want to walk away knowing I can still be spiteful about something as insignificant as Jimmy Buffett for over 500 words. The last think I wanted was for me to become washed-up and run out of material -- yet still force a spiteful article that did not measure up to my high standards. Retirement will give me a chance to pursue dreams I haven't had time to chase thus far. My life-long dream has been to play professional lawn darts. My first step will be to make lawn darts a professional sport and then work my way up through the farm systems and become a pro. Without the rigors of Spite, I can pursue this mission 100%. The pressures and duties of writing for this powerful 'zine have resulted in me ignoring my family. True, 80% of my immediate family already works on Spite but that's not the point. I don't need a point. I'm retired! Finally, I would like to thank a few people: my brothers Will and Kevin for teaching me the ways of sarcasm and oddity; Noel Gallagher for allowing me to translate and help him share his brilliance with the world; And finally, my friend Jon for looking a little like Matt Damon (and a little like one of the Backstreet Boys, but I can't write about that. I'm retired.) In closing, I would like to thank all of the readers of Spite. It's been a pleasure writing for all of you. Sincerely, Brian Hines Former Spite Writer More about Brian's retirement: See the staff's reaction Look back on Brian's career Spite Home | Bile Cabinet Post A Message